Cold shoulder

Joey Garcia

A guy I work with invited me out for drinks. We made out. The next day, he invited me to his friend’s birthday party. I didn’t know anyone. I was nervous so I drank a lot and must have blacked out. I woke up in his bed and it was obvious we had sex. I’m not complaining; I wanted to have sex with him. But he didn’t really talk to me after that. He kept saying he was really busy. A girl I work with told me he has a girlfriend. My friends and I found her on Instagram. She goes to college in another city and clearly didn’t know he was a cheater. We messaged her and told her what happened. The next day, she posted about breaking up with him. He didn’t come to work that day. Then our boss put him in charge of a team that my skill set is perfect for, but he didn’t pick me and won’t talk to me about it. Is there anything I can do?

There’s so much you can do to avoid being your own worst enemy. You can promise not to soothe your nerves with alcohol or drugs. Befriend your feelings. Being nervous when meeting new people is normal. Once you accept this, it’s easier to lean into uncomfortable feelings and invite them to pass through you.

You can also stop lying to yourself. You knew at least two people at the birthday party: yourself and the guy who invited you. The more honest you are when talking to yourself, the stronger you’ll grow in self-trust. When you trust yourself, you make decisions that are in your best interest. This might include maintaining boundaries with colleagues until you get to know them well enough to decide whether they fit in your inner circle. It’s a lesson that most of us learn (and relearn) after painful mistakes. So don’t criticize yourself. Choose self-awareness.

Do you belong on the new project team? In workplaces, having the right skills is only part of the equation. Personality plays a huge role in who receives a promotion or a fab assignment. Given the history with your colleague, are you a solid addition to his team? It’s a gamble. The two of you will likely be second-guessing each other and that’s a distraction that can threaten the project’s success. I think you have to let this one go. But look around at other workplace projects. Find—or make—another opportunity to shine.

My girlfriend goes MIA for days and then when she finally calls, I always hear some dude in the background. She keeps telling me it’s the TV, but I know the difference. My heart is smashed up. I gave her everything and thought she loved me.

She failed at loving you, but you can make it up to yourself. Love yourself enough to stop chasing a woman who doesn’t have the sense to appreciate you. Will you do that? My book, When Your Heart Breaks, It’s Opening to Love: Healing and finding love after an affair, heartbreak or divorce, might also help.

Meditation of the week
“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare,” said writer and activist Audre Lorde. Do you understand the difference between selfishness and self-care?

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