Food safety at the state fair is a thing? For real?

Is that before or after you’ve barfed it?

Did you know there’s such a thing as food safety at the California State Fair? We kid you not.

All those violent stomach cramps and intestinal emergencies you’ve suffered immediately after shotgunning funnel cakes and deep-fried donut-chicken sandwiches came after a Sacramento County health inspector surveyed a vendor’s booth and decided, “Yup, that looks OK to eat.”

“Food safety is the bottom line,” environmental health division Chief John Rogers promised in a release. “It requires a couple of extra steps for the food vendors, but it’s crucial for the health of fairgoers to make sure we conduct thorough inspections.”

Basically, the state fair is like the Grand Prix for local health inspectors. And the checkered flag gets waved tomorrow.

Inspectors will be racing through Cal Expo to vet each of the 150 food stands, and are inviting media to watch them do their business between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m.

In case you’re wondering, health inspectors look to make sure food preparers are washing their hands, not using ingredients held over from the previous day and keeping the hot stuff hot and the cold stuff cold. They also—and this I can’t effing believe—approve the source of the food you eat.

Now I’m reasonably sure the source of most fair foods is the bottom of garbage disposals, meat from a rare creature known as the “horsebutt pighound” and whatever falls out of Sauron when he makes a Mordor doodie.

But having said that, philosophers have been wondering where Twinkies originated from since time immemorial. And the county’s Environmental Management Department is telling us they’ve known this whole time?

A conspiracy for the ages.

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