My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I told him that I had been abused as a child and had serious trust issues. Most of my therapists have said I’m someone who should not be in a relationship. My boyfriend and I had hoped to defy those odds. But after four years we still have serious knock-down-drag-out arguments over things. We’re sick of it. We need help in figuring out how to handle my issues. Any advice?
Yes, disconnect from justifications. It’s awful that you were abused as a child. I understand how terrible such an experience can be, and the lasting impact it often has. I’m sad to hear that it happened to you. From a spiritual perspective, if you intend to heal you must stop supporting a cause-and-effect belief system as the only explanation for why you behave as you do. Open your mind to other possibilities.
Two things are true according to you: You experienced childhood abuse. You struggle with trust issues as an adult. When you choose to separate these two things, you create space inside your mind where you can begin to feel whole in small but vital ways. This frees the life-changing energy that gives your subconscious permission to stop pointing to old wounds. During arguments with your boyfriend you may feel as though you deserve more understanding from him because of your history. As a child, you likely hoped that someone would notice you and intervene. As an adult, you can be that someone for yourself. It takes the pressure off your man. It’s not his job to save you. If he loves you, he will allow you to save yourself.
It may help you to accept that everyone has trust issues in some area of their life, either with a partner, family, the future, coworkers, God or something else. You’re not alone. The more honest you become with yourself, the stronger your capacity for self-trust grows. As you trust yourself, you make better choices about whom else you can trust. This is where the arguing loses power. You learn to step away and take care of yourself. You learn to apologize to yourself and to your man for your part in the drama. You also learn to separate the past from the now, an empowering act of self-love that can change you forever.
My boyfriend will text me that he’s going out for drinks with the guys, by which he means single girls he works with, who he says he’s not interested in. I know for a fact that these girls want him. He is well aware they make me uncomfortable, but he goes anyway. Don’t tell me to break up with him. I’ve tried. We always seem to find each other again. How do I get him to open his eyes?
By opening yours. He knows that bevvies with babes annoys you. He goes out with his female coworkers, anyway. You can join the crowd and let yourself have fun. Or break up with your man and make it stick. He’s not going to change. This is who he is. If you can’t accept it, move on.