Too hot to handle?

Joey Garcia

I’m seeing this girl I’m really into. The problem is, she always flirts with other guys. When I called her on it she pointed out that she flirts with everyone. I said no, just guys. She goes: “You knew I was like this when you got with me. I’m hot. Boys want me. I can’t help that.” Like, is she really confident and maybe I’m not?

She spins you like a vinyl LP. Don’t get played. Listen to exactly what she’s telling you: You’re in relationship with a flirt who has no plans to stop. She actually considers herself powerless over the men who desire her. Yes, that’s right. She just can’t help herself.

It’s unlikely that your girlfriend has a naturally playful or gregarious personality. She seems desperate for male attention. Either way, that’s her business. Your responsibility is to understand that you can’t change her. Don’t waste your life energy trying. She likes her personality as is, and will continue to push back if you demand that she tuck in her sexual energy.

Of course, flirting doesn’t mean she has betrayed you or that she will. It’s also no guarantee that she’s just an extrovert and will be faithful. What you can count on is her drive to get attention from other men. How do you feel about that?

If you’re not ready to let her go, decide what would constitute a betrayal. Are you cool with your woman sending flirty texts or sexting another man? Being held or caressed or kissed? Would you mind if she called another guy for help when she needs it? Get clear on your non-negotiable relationship expectations, and then schedule a conversation with her. Give yourselves plenty of time to talk through feelings and concerns. Be willing to admit that you might be attracted to each other but not suited for one another. A partner who shares your relationship values would be a better fit.

My husband always has to have the last word. It doesn’t matter whether we’re arguing, or having a random conversation about groceries. It’s frustrating because it feels like a power play. I find myself competing to be the last person to end the conversation. Sometimes I think I’m being petty. Other times, it’s like I’m protecting myself. Our marriage is great in so many ways I don’t want this to become a thing.

In arguments, the last person to speak is considered the winner. But since most couples argue repeatedly about the same handful of issues, the argument itself extends into infinity. In human-made time, it appears one person has ended the disagreement. In eternal time, there is no last person to speak, only a vacuum until the next person sounds off. Is this perspective too radical? Maybe. It’s waaay out-of-the-box thinking, yet offers a perception shift beyond ideas of winners and losers. Can you inhabit that space long enough to feel free? At that point, it matters little who ends the conversation. What is important is the practice of talking through difficulties so each of you feels heard, understood and appreciated. Couples therapy can help.

Meditation of the week
“Loneliness is the poverty of the self, solitude is the richness of the self,” said poet and novelist May Sarton. Do you know how fabulous it is to be able to spend time with you?

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