Divorce court

Joey Garcia

I divorced my wife and now think it was a terrible mistake. I like to get out of the house, listen to music, hit a pub for trivia nights and generally have fun. She refused to do any of those things. She just wanted to stay home and chill. I admit that our work lives are very different. She’s exhausted by her job and I’m energized by my career. But when things died between us in the bedroom and women flirted with me at clubs, I thought I had other options. We divorced. The problem is I haven’t met anyone I can talk to openly the way I could talk to my wife. We had a connection that doesn’t seem easy to find anymore. Friends say she’s in therapy and doing well. Should I reach out to her? What should I say?

Leave your ex-wife alone. Have a heart-to-head conversation with the man in the mirror. You have convinced yourself that your lifestyle is fun. Maybe. Here's a different perspective: You require a lot of external stimulation to feel alive and juicy. Your partner did not. Rather than be content living according to alternating rhythms, you opted for divorce. That's understandable given the lack of sexual connection between the two of you. But it's not cool to show up in her life now simply because you yearn for emotional intimacy. She is not responsible for the emotional depth that is missing in your relationships.

Here's one antidote to ease your suffering: Sit and breathe through your feelings of emptiness until they pass through you. A meditation course can help (real meditation classes, not a guided visualization class). Focus on growing in emotional intimacy with yourself. Otherwise, you're likely to create chaos in your ex-wife's life just to avoid feeling lonely and that would be a terrible mistake.

My husband told me he wanted a divorce. I moved out the next day while he was at work. I’m devastated and don’t want to face him. I’ll let my lawyer do that. I’m staying with a friend while looking for a place I can afford. Honestly, I don’t see a future for myself. I smile and talk, but it’s all fake. I’m on autopilot: work, the gym, looking for an apartment. I’ve heard people say, “Fake it, ’til you make it!” and that’s what I’m trying to do but it isn’t working.

You're grieving the death of your marriage. That's why ordinary activities that once felt good, no longer have the power to lift you up. Traumatic life experiences like a divorce slice through the self we show to the world and reveal our vulnerability. Allow yourself to love the you behind the persona you have shown to the world. Trust in your resilience. Divorce can inspire a rebirth into a more authentic you. As you embody that self, a new future will take shape. Until then, you are in the void. It may feel dark but it's also where anything and everything is possible. So dream big, then take action to live into your vision.

Meditation of the week
“You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body,” said writer C.S. Lewis. What is in charge of directing your life? Your personality, your soul or your body?

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