Boring bros

Joey Garcia

Sacramento seems saturated by ultra-mainstream bros or dudes destined for McMansions in Granite Bay. That was my impression during a recent trip. Is it true? I’m asking because the company I work for has offered me a transfer to Sacramento, but I’m 26 years old and don’t want to get stuck in a dating desert. What are the real options here? Are there guys in Sacramento who have their s–t together and are sophisticated enough to have experienced the world?

You're asking whether it's worth moving here for the men. No, it isn't. Don't move to Sacramento or any city, country or village with the expectation that you will find your soul mate. Move here only if the opportunity your company offers will fulfill a career goal or push you above the glass ceiling. Move if exploring another city for a few years sounds like fun. But don't relocate to prove that your first impressions of the men are right or wrong. That's not a good use of your life energy.

I love everything about my life except my marriage. For the last five years, my wife made me feel like all problems were my fault. Out of nowhere she starts changing. Everything is great. Then I catch her having an affair. She’s begging me to forgive her and try again. I’m torn because our kids don’t want us to get divorced. Advice, please!

Don't let your children decide your destiny. You didn't mention their ages, but you can bet they wouldn't want you to choose who they should love or leave. So let's focus on you. Some people respond to betrayal by trying to control the partner who cheated: imposing rules, checking text messages and insisting on knowing their whereabouts 24/7. It's painful to live in that head space.

So ask yourself: Do I love my life with my wife enough to forgive her and wipe the slate clean? A good therapist can help you process your thoughts and feelings. Your kids may not understand now, but growing up within an unhealthy marriage has repercussions that can negatively impact their intimate relationships in the future, while seeing a parent act with integrity is priceless.

Why do separated guys get so clingy with girls they date? You would think they would want to get to know someone slowly since their marriage is breaking up. What can I do about a man getting attached too fast?

Understand how your behavior wounds the man you date. Your emotional detachment likely triggers him. His dying marriage represents an ending, no matter how he feels about the loss. When you pull away, he (unconsciously) fears more loss and makes frantic attempts to stay connected to you. You experience this as clinginess and it inspires you to pull further away. The more you lean back, the more intensely he dives for you.

Heal this awkward rhythm by becoming more attached to what you really want and believing you can have it. Don't believe that the kind of man you desire would be interested in you? Have faith in yourself! Cling to a more inspired love story for your life, then make it happen.

Meditation of the week
“The way to right wrongs is to turn the light of truth on them,” said Ida B. Wells, journalist and civil rights activist. What are you turning the spotlight on this week?

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