My best guy friend met a woman online who seems manic. She gave him the key to her house right away and encouraged him to move in. She also made strong rules about whom he can see and insists on being included in his visits with friends. He wasn’t happy about this, but wanted her to feel secure. I think her behavior is over-the-top controlling. She fills his Facebook page with posts that are junior-high-style proclamations of her love. He says she posts while sitting right next to him. I think she’s making sure everyone knows he’s taken. He hasn’t talked to me for a while. I suspect she blocked me on his phone and social media. He and I dated in the past and have been FWB. So if I were to criticize her it wouldn’t go over well. He’s very sweet and I can see why he’s susceptible to her possessiveness. The situation looks uncomfortable for him. What is the best way to handle this problem?
Let yourself fall in love with someone else. Find something broken in the world and pour yourself into repairing it. Tackle a personal goal that feels impossible. In other words, evolve into the next version of you and let go of trying to save your friend. He hasn’t talked to you because he doesn’t want anyone interfering in his relationship. Your concerns might be spot-on or simply motivated by a fear of losing his friendship. It doesn’t matter because he’s not open to hearing you or having you in his life. Despite what you see or say, he’s committed to his girlfriend. It doesn’t matter whether she blocked you on social media or on his phone. He knows how to reach you. He could call you, drop by your home, or unblock you if he chooses. He has not opted to do any of these things. Admit that to yourself.
What this man has done is draw a boundary around himself and his girlfriend to keep her close and to push others away. It doesn’t mean that you are a bad person or that you have done something wrong. But if he ghosts you and other friends, remember it’s because he made a decision about who he wants in his life right now. If you persist in trying to be right by proving that his girlfriend is wrong for him, you will become what you believe her to be: over-the-top controlling. Don’t go there.
So what’s really going on with him? He may have fallen deeply in love. He may be in the throes of infatuation with all of its intoxicating insanity. Or he may be so ready for a committed relationship that he will reinvent himself to make things work. She’s worth it—that’s what he has decided. That doesn’t mean you weren’t worth the effort or that he wasn’t committed when the two of you were together. Kismet happens on its own schedule.
One last thing, be grateful for her gushing Facebook posts. One day, you will laugh about those epic emotions. Maybe even with him.