I moved to Sacramento to be with my guy after three years in a long-distance relationship. Our love was strong! He texted and called several times a day and made me feel like I was the most important person in his life. Our visits and vacays were incredible. So of course we were eager to live together. It happened this year, but it’s been the worst four months of my life. He is so boring! How did I not notice this before? I feel stuck because I gave up so much to move here. Advice, please!
Imagine your life as a rom-com. (Seriously, go with this for a minute.) The film opens with a montage of you and your guy in all of his boring glory. There’s an argument over something stupid, followed by a breakup. Then, another montage: You, out clubbing with your girls but crying into your pinot noir. You on the couch in jammies noshing tubs of ice cream and bingeing on Netflix. You gazing at smooching couples at the grocery store while unwittingly filling your cart with cheese. I mean, right?
But after that series of awkward scenes, the real reason you’ve landed in town would become obvious. We would see you running into a cool guy, someone you don’t know and never crossed paths with, a guy who is a better fit for you. The two of you will be dating by the film’s end.
Unless, it’s an indie rom-com, then the real reason you’re here would be the circle of friends-like-family that has formed around you. Or a job that spills more love into your life than you ever dreamed possible. Or we watch you suddenly awake to your power to make life-affirming decisions. It’s clear: You’re not here to be with guy No. 1. You’re here for your spiritual evolution. As in any magical quest it’s the journey that matters, not the destination (your plan). So be open to discovering the real reason the universe called you to Sacramento.
Let’s discuss “boring.” Long-distance relationships are full of longing, fantasy, romance and escape—it’s a rush. And when you live far from your sweetie, you aren’t subjected to the parts of his life (or personality) that are ordinary. But real love is steady and dependable. If that seems boring, you may be struggling with intimacy issues. One cure: Focus on what you appreciate about your man, instead of boring yourself by obsessing over how boring you think he is.
My ex-girlfriend still wants to see my kids, and they want to see her. My new girlfriend will hate this idea. I’m a single parent, by the way; my kids’ mom disappeared years ago. Any advice?
Way to bury the lede! Your kids need help learning to handle the fear of abandonment. A qualified therapist who specializes in working with children can help. Also, ask your ex directly if she’s hoping to rekindle a relationship with you. As long as she says “no” and, providing she is a positive influence, let her hang with your kids. Be grateful for the presence of another caring adult in their lives.