I was one of those fat, lonely computer geeks until I got sick of how I felt about myself. I started paying attention to what I ate and started going to the gym. I lost 150 pounds. I feel really good, except when it comes to meeting women. In my head, I’m still that fat geek. When I see a woman I automatically assume she doesn’t want to talk to me or go out with me. I can’t seem to get past my old ideas of myself. How can I relate to women as the man I am now?
What is it about the man you once were that you never want to forget? The sweetness of his heart? His gentleness and intelligence? His careful attention to work? Trust that you will bring forward all of the best qualities of yourself as you continue to evolve into who you desire to become.
As you practice relaxing into reality (and it is a practice), direct your conscious mind into embodying who you are now. In time, this will become habit, and then, eventually, your true nature.
You must also accept that rejection is a human experience. Being rejected hurts, yes, but it’s also an avenue of growth. Here’s how: If you approach a woman and she is not interested in a conversation, or a date, appreciate that the interaction polished your social skills. Every rejection means you are closer to meeting the woman who is right for you. So put yourself on a mental diet of self-appreciation while avoiding unkind self-judgment. Doing so will help you shed the thoughts that are still weighing you down.
Every year, I tell my mother not to buy my children more than one present each for holidays or their birthdays. Every year, she ignores me and shows up with a SUV-load of toys and expensive clothing. I want my children to have respect for material things. I don’t want them to be spoiled. My mother acts like I’m annoying and she disregards my requests. She says she’s the grandmother and it’s her right to give one gift or 20. My daughter’s birthday is coming up and the idea of another argument with my mother is giving me anxiety. How can I get her to stop overloading my kids with things they don’t need or want?
The tension between you and your mamasita is not about toys. It’s not about a cultural expectation that grandparents should spoil grandchildren, either. The problem is that your mother does not respect you as an equal. But how can she? You don’t view yourself as her equal or act accordingly.
To step fully into the role of parent, you must manage the problem with your mother as you would a challenge with any friend. Try saying this: Mom, (your child’s name here) has a birthday soon and I’m holding firm to the one-gift-per-person rule. Your relationship with my children is important to me. So is my relationship with you. I love you dearly. Our relationship is built on time spent together, guidance you provided and understanding you generously offered. I don’t want my children to think that material things equal love. My decision is not open for discussion; we’ve talked about it enough. If you can’t abide my rules, you can’t visit during holidays or birthdays. Any gifts beyond the one permitted will be donated to charity unopened.
If your mother launches into an argument, end the conversation. Don’t allow her to intimidate you. She may pout until she finds another outlet for her shopping-addiction-disguised-as-generosity. You can help by directing her to nonprofit organizations that welcome volunteers who can shop for items that would benefit disadvantaged clients.