My boyfriend and I are in 10th grade. For five months everything was amazing between us. I didn’t want to have sex, and he was totally cool about it. But after five months, he started hanging around another girl. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it so I didn’t say anything even though it made me uncomfortable. Then, without any warning, my boyfriend stopped talking to me. He never said he wanted to break up or anything. He literally just stopped talking to me and has not responded to any of my texts or phone calls. It’s been really painful, but I got the message. Today at school I found out that he had sex with this other girl and they are together now. Everyone knows and some people think he’s a douche, but other people think I should have put out. Would that really have made a difference?
No. If you gave in to your boyfriend’s wishes and had sex with him, he probably would have stayed with you until he became distracted by someone or something else. Yes, that means you made the right choice.
If your mind wanders into fear and tells you that you failed to make the smart decision, remind yourself that he did not cherish you. He did not love you and he does not deserve you. How do I know? If he loved, cherished or cared for you, he would never have given you the silent treatment. If he loved you but knew the relationship was not what he wanted, he would have ended it by telling you it was over, either face-to-face or by phone. But the young man you describe lacks respect for himself or for you. He doesn’t have the backbone to be honest. That may have nothing to do with whether you are available for sex. And it has everything to do with his deficiency of integrity. If he’s so afraid of conversation that he pulls a disappearing act, he isn’t worth your time or energy. Stop texting and calling him. If you need to know why he stopped talking to you, here’s the reason: He’s a jerk.
A high school is essentially a small village. Everyone may not know your name but they do know your tribe (geek, jock, stoner, etc.) and reputation. Although the opinion of your peers may seem important, I encourage you to lengthen your perspective. Consider your next incarnation as a college student. What positive choices could you make now that would support the person you want to be in college? Let yourself dream into life after college, too. What choices can you make now that would make your life as a young professional easy, focused and fun? Try to adopt a long-range view of your life. Remember, too, that most romantic relationships have unhappy endings. Once you accept this, it’s easier to bounce back after a breakup.
I thought I was totally in love with this girl, ready to move in, get married, the whole thing. But lately, we’ve been spending more time together and actually, she gets on my nerves. She sugars everything and it’s annoying listening to her go on and on about nothing. I’ve dated women who are down on everything, totally pessimistic, could never see the good side of anything. But in some ways, this is worse because it seems like she thinks she’s acting in a completely perfect way. Is there any way to bring this up to her so she stops?
If your girlfriend is an idealist, it’s unlikely that she will suddenly shift emotional gears into a rational, grounded personality. If you can’t stomach her saccharine high, it’s best to let her know that the relationship is not working out.