Intimacy’s bush league

Joey Garcia

I went through all the pain to get a Brazilian bikini wax, but my boyfriend didn’t say anything. Finally, I asked him what he thought, and he admitted he didn’t notice! All he said was, “Well, you normally trim down there, right?” I flipped out, and we had a huge fight. Is he even in the room when we’re having sex? How can he not tell the difference between a landing strip and a bush? I haven’t talked to him in days, and he hasn’t called me. I know he’s pissed off about the fight and thinks I made a big deal out of nothing. Did I?

You argued with your boyfriend because he failed to acknowledge the extra effort you expended to please him. But that’s not why you’re angry. Anger is the shield you employed to avoid admitting how scared you are. Your man checked out of the relationship, and you don’t know when or why. A realization of that magnitude can also leave you wondering what else you may have missed.

Let’s put that fear aside temporarily and consider another perspective. Your boyfriend’s interior focus during sex is so deliciously intense that he pays little attention to externals. He’s the kind of guy who couldn’t care less about sexy bras and thongs. He’s transfixed by how it all feels inside. That’s possible, right?

If you reflect and realize that he’s not into what you wear or look like, but is completely into being with you, call him. If you kiss and make up, you will never have to suffer the pain of a Brazilian wax job again. If you can’t repair your relationship, at least you can laugh about the extremes that women go to in order to keep sex spicy.

I had a date with a woman I met online. After we spoke on the phone and before our initial face-to-face, I Googled her. On the date I mentioned the very positive things I found out about her (profession, awards, hometown and current city of residence). She became agitated, accused me of stalking and left. I don’t understand. It seems absolutely sensible to research someone before a date. She blocked me on the dating site after sending me a warning to never contact her again. Is she crazy and overreacting, or am I missing something?

It’s perfectly acceptable to type the name of a potential date into a search engine and see what pops up. No one wants to find out later that a love interest is on the FBI’s most-wanted list, or is actually married, or writes an online blog for birthers or other fringe conspiracists. But you crossed the line when you dropped too many details into the conversation. Here’s why: Online dating profiles allow a user to list the information that she or her wants others to know. The expectation is that when the singles meet, the juicy specifics of each life will be exchanged.

The woman you met may have had a prior experience with a stalker or may just want to keep her professional life separate from her personal life. Your actions revealed that you knew more about her than she knew about you. Power dynamics like that are a turnoff on a first date. So while your intention in Googling her was sensible self-care, it’s not good manners to act like she’s a research project. Do a search-engine check, but don’t memorize the details of a potential date’s life.

The next time you connect with a woman online, invite her to type your name into a search engine. Let her know that you plan to check her out, too. If she balks, you can decide if the connection is worth pursuing.

Meditation of the week
“Smile, it's free therapy,” said the Rev. Douglas Horton, a Protestant minister. When a stranger smiles at you, do you smile back? Do you smile at homeless strangers, too?

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