“Hi, SN&R? This is your one fan Greg. Yes, again.”

After my story detailing the crazy antics local firefighters contend with came out, I received a considerate email from Lloyd Ogan, the deputy chief of operations at the Sacramento Fire Department, and two very long midnight phone messages from someone who might have read a bit too much into the article.

Still, it’s always nice to get reader feedback, so I thought I’d share.

(Note: I transcribed what I could, but the caller spoke in a practically uninterrupted monologue for 17 slurring minutes. You try keeping up.)

12:22 a.m. Friday, June 7:

Folks, this call was for a fellow that wrote an article concerning attacks on fire department personnel. [That’s me!] Now I remember riots in Los Angeles resulting in some very serious altercations. These are difficulties that we need to avoid. [Okay, I’m with you so far.]

As a result, I’ve taken to endorsing simple nicotine eradication, the simple nicotine prohibition. [You lost me.] And it’s swapped perhaps with marijuana legalization. [Ohh, I think I—nope, still lost.] So-called swap politics is one issue. [Sure, hear about it all the time. Quick, someone look up “swap politics.”] Another issue, though, is law enforcement looks very soucient [Hey, it’s what he said.] with the nicotine around, with the lighters and matches and the tobacco around children—very seriously indicts local fire personnel, security personnel, etc. It needs to be supplanted with alternative systems. [Liiike?]

The arrangement involving federal dollars are huffed and so mechanical that it really suggests that we just get rid of certain elements, precisely like feces [Sorry I asked.]—that it’s a septic issue and long overdue, and that’s for 2014. [Feces free in 2014!]

Now I’ve already spoken of the capitalization of Reno. The Reno Star…toward Reno and forevermore. [Basically he said “Reno” like 50 times here. That’s the important takeaway.] After the Reno capitalization, there would be an optimization auspice for that state. Much like the San Joaquin transition. [Oh totally.]

There are myriad other changes of stationary and letterhead that might make all the difference soon. [Who uses stationary anymore?]

…a sigh of relief for city of Seattle folks, the very sophisticated city of Seattle, now free forevermore apparently from sports, now as previously from religions. [Equating the Kings arena push-and-pull to religious distraction. I actually get what he’s saying here. Oh no. It’s happening.]

So the costly lives of these subsequently ne’er-do-well simpletons in the loftiest of positions for their society…[Preach it, brother.]…free the maturity for that dismal recollectory…freedom and prosperity without having to be mired in the ruins of the old…

At this point, my voicemail system impolitely hangs up on him. But my caller will not be deterred!

12:35 a.m. Friday, June 7:

1-3-5-2 [That’s my extension!], my apologies. [No apologies needed.] With this second and hopefully conclusionary call [Hopefully?!]—you know, it’s difficult once cut off to call in again, to face—a loquacious caller faces many seconds more and someone with a secretarial- and spam filter…[I get it. He’s upset.]…and dealing with the television stamp and securing infrastructure lifeline stations, 24-hour news and weather, emergency lifelines…there’s so much space available now with these subscrapes for superlative advertising infomercials, special training, all sorts of vignettes and exciting opportunities as well. [Hold on, is this a sales call? Sure sounds like a sales call.]

…never more spurrilous with efficiency decrease and reduced population capacity. [Weirdest Levitra pitch ever.]

…the myriad detoxification and degeneracy behind the wheel, and youth delinquency…the carnage on the roads to be avoided by…slurry systems with replacement…a special eye toward livestock…the concerns of paradisical positions…the sophistication of these atrocities in relation to what may be possible…exciting opportunities to really supplant the old order…which may be a lot more traditional and closer to ancestors…now that’s very serious. [Is this Mad Libs? When is it my turn? I choose “fart.” Verb, noun, doesn’t matter. “Fart.”]

So once again…[oh thank Christ, I think he’s wrapping up.]…artificial health that we really have to be concerned with escaping into a beautiful and better world.

So that’s why I called a second time. I hope I reached the right folks with regard to the article.

You did indeed, sir. You did indeed. I’ll take two cases of Levitra and the complimentary tinfoil hat for one low price of $9.99.