Was that a unicorn?

Joey Garcia

I live with my boyfriend who I have dated since high school. We have been together for three years and have lived together for 11 months. We’re both 18 years old. My friends say I’m really lucky because my boyfriend is really cute and treats me well. My problem is that there’s a guy at work who I think about all the time. When I first saw him it was love at first sight; my attraction was so strong. I felt it all through me. I love my boyfriend and I don’t want to hurt him. We were friends before we dated. I don’t want to lose his friendship, but I want to move out and pursue this other guy. I think he’s attracted to me, too, although we haven’t even talked yet. I am afraid that my boyfriend will be crushed because he really loves me. What should I do?

Say, “April Fools?” Ah, but it’s January. In that case, what you should do is slow down. Spontaneity can be exhilarating, but impulsiveness usually leads to regret. You, my dear, are dangerously close to an impulsive act. Love at first sight is as rare as seeing a unicorn in the wild. What most people actually experience is lust at first sight. If you’re a person who believes that emotional intimacy is too intimate, you’ll yearn for a sexual encounter to take the edge off your need for closeness. That’s lust. If you’re someone who has a tremendous amount of emotional work that’s undone, you’ll feel a full body charge when you encounter someone who will bring up the issues that you need to face. Don’t mistake this for a signal that you’ve met your life mate; that charge means you have met your ego’s mate.

Maybe the relationship with your boyfriend is too easy and you believe that relationships should be soap operas. If you don’t learn to fight your appetite to create chaos, you’ll subconsciously craft problems wherever you go. On the other hand, perhaps you need to date a few more men to gain an understanding of what you need in a healthy relationship. Either way, have the integrity to be upfront with your boyfriend. He may be hurt, but withholding the truth only prolongs the pain all around.

I’m 20 and have been attending a local university where I am active in student activities. My problem is that no guys ever ask me out. I have lots of friends, but I never date. I’ve talked to my mother about this, but all she does is send me magazine articles about what men want. It’s usually not very helpful. Some of my guy friends say that I intimidate guys because I’m pretty, outgoing and smart. Do you have any ideas how I can begin dating?

When you notice an interesting guy, ask him out. If Prince Charming isn’t coming, rewrite the fairy tale. I’ve heard the intelligent-attractive- outgoing-women-intimidate-men theory. It may be true, but be willing to be the one who proves it false.

I’m divorced after 15 years of marriage. It feels weird to let women pick up the check on dates, although my wallet likes it. I also think that if she pays, it means something, but I don’t know what. Who pays?

I’m liberated from the belief that women have to split the bill. When men and women have equal salaries, we can begin that dialogue. So, if you’re just hanging out with a friend of another gender, split the bill. If you’re dating (involved in the process to locate a long-term or life partner), the guy pays. Call me old-fashioned, but it just feels right.

Meditation of the week
“Love is a fearless position,” said contemporary mystic Byron Katie Rolle, in an interview in Sustenance magazine. Do you agree? What would you have to shed to stand in the wide embrace of totally authentic love?

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