I was with this girl who laughed at my off-color jokes, didn’t care that I live with three roommates and was cool having a slice of pizza and a six-pack. I’m 37 years old and work full-time in a creative field that doesn’t pay well. She was the only girl I’ve ever dated who said she didn’t care about money. Then things got dark. She had a boyfriend and I knew she was using me to break up with him. She and I would needle each other, attacking where we knew the other person was weakest and most vulnerable. We got into terrible fights. I knew she wasn’t right for me but couldn’t let go. We stopped seeing each other four years ago. She’s with some rich guy now but I can’t move on. Advice, please.

You loved the relationship because this woman mirrored your self-hate. Being with her legitimized your disappointment about life. You were relieved to find someone who felt the way you do: stuck. But the point of being together was for you both to change. Can you understand now that being her sidepiece was your wake-up call?

Maybe not. The problem is you’ve been treading water so long to keep from drowning, you have forgotten how to swim. Let me remind you: Swimming through life is feeling powerful and miraculous just because you are alive. You know everything you need is within you. Your body, mind and spirit are aligned and travel through obstacles with the same divine consciousness that carries you through possibilities, opportunities and the manifestation of your goals. There is no separation between you, your breath, your environment or what you are creating. You’re in flow.

Sound impossible? Notice all of the energy that you direct toward arguing against your ability to change and improve your circumstances. Redirect that energy into self-care. Clean up one area of your life: Sleep better or eat better or meditate daily. Or keep a notebook of everything you spend everyday and manage your finances intelligently. Once you discipline yourself and meet success in one area of your life, move on to another. As you do, you will awaken to reality: Your fling with this woman was about the experience and not her. Accept the truth and you will catapult out of the past and into the present capable of planning an amazing future. P.S. Your love life will improve when you date a woman who is emotionally available.

I’m crushing on my best friend’s boyfriend. He’s way more perfect for me than he is for her. Help!

Imagine he’s your guy and your best friend starts crushing on him. Heartbreaking, right? Don’t be that girl. When your mind begins thinking about your best friend’s boyfriend—and before it launches into full-blown obsessing about him—take charge. Talk to yourself. Tell yourself that you trust yourself enough to act with integrity. Then maintain smart boundaries. Don’t flirt with him. Don’t invite yourself along on their outings, and don’t give your best friend bad advice on purpose to try to force a break up. Be the kind of friend you would want in your life. Not a backstabber.