When I was 30, I had a sexy affair with a married man. A year later, I met someone and got married, but continued my affair. Recently, his wife found out about the affair and left him. I thought about divorcing my husband to be with this other man. I was going to tell my lover about this plan when he called to say we needed to talk. We got together, and he broke up with me. I am confused. After seeing each other secretly for so long, why would he drop me now that he is free and available?
He never loved you, honey, so he has no desire for a committed relationship with you. What he loved was the thrill of a secret and the excitement of feeling desired. Sharing a secret created a bond that you probably labeled as trust. It wasn’t. Trust is the godchild of truth, and it can’t thrive in a relationship built on lies. You had a connection that drew its energy from clandestine encounters, hot sex and enough slender threads of familiarity with each other’s personal lives to believe that you actually cared for each other. You may have even overlaid your connection to this man with romantic beliefs intended to prove (to yourself) how important he is to you and vice versa. Doing so added to the intensity of your fantasy.
Let me pinch you awake with another shot of reality: Your relationship with this man is not a destination; it’s a passage. When you exit the mindset that brought you to this affair and kept you in it, transformation is possible. That may be the most important part of your life journey.
I am deeply concerned for your husband and your marriage. Does your husband know that you have never committed to him or to the marriage? You wed knowing that you were unavailable emotionally for a serious commitment. If you love yourself, you will sober up (from the addiction to lying), tell your husband about the affair and make amends to him. If you love your husband, you will see a psychologist and work to heal the wound that compels you to deceive others and yourself. When you do, you will become free and available to truly love yourself. That means you understand that you are capable and worthy of a real relationship with your husband. Self-love is an essential step in becoming a real adult. Begin now. When you do, you will accept that your lover’s abandonment is the best gift life could offer you.
I married my wife after making sure that she did not want children. Now she’s changed and is always dropping annoying hints about getting pregnant. It makes me want to leave her. My siblings have children, and I am committed to being an uncle. My wife has been a good sport when I have invited my nieces and nephews over for the weekend or for summer camping trips. How can I get her to love other people’s children instead of adding more people to an already overburdened planet?
You could both love other people’s children by extending your reach and becoming foster parents or adopting. It’s a win-win. You get the satisfaction of not adding to an overpopulated planet, and your wife gets to enjoy the experience of parenting. And, while most people sign up for infants or children, you could employ your social-justice attitude and be available to adolescents. Right now, thousands of teenagers are in foster care. Marriage is, among other things, an ongoing compromise.
Why not consider an option that serves you both and the young people of this lovely planet?
