Getting over an ex

Joey Garcia

Every year around this time, I get nostalgic for my ex-boyfriend. It happens around Thanksgiving and Christmas, too, but it’s worst on the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day. My ex was really into holidays and made them special for me even though nothing else actually worked in our relationship. I want a guy who makes me feel special and it hurts so much to not have anyone. Please help!

You’re not suffering because you’re solo on holidays, honey. Your pain results from discounting the power to create your own happiness. Waiting for a man to take responsibility for your emotional life is unfair to you and to him. A partnership can’t be equal if one person is charged with managing their own emotions as well as a partner’s happiness. Thrusting that kind of expectation on a relationship infantilizes one person and turns the other into a parent. It’s one thing to be called, “baby,” and another to be treated like one. Say, “yes,” to the former and, “yuck,” to the latter.

It’s heartbreaking to read that you think of yourself as without anyone on your side. Please stop lying to yourself. Here’s the truth: You have you. Open your heart to becoming your best friend and life partner. Instead of looking outside of yourself for joy, begin within. If you want to be happy, make choices that inspire happiness. If you yearn to feel special, celebrate your uniqueness. Be mindful that every human being on the planet is both special and ordinary. Cheer on your most common attributes, too. By recognizing both extremes, you will bring your emotions into balance. Your mind will feel lighter and more inspired. Gratitude becomes as ordinary as breathing. Living gratefully also means that when someone does something sweet for you, your heart will overflow. It’s a wonderful feeling, but not more than knowing this: A full heart will always be enough.

How soon is too soon to tell a date that I’m bisexual? I’ve shared it on the first date and scared people off. I’ve waited until right before we’re going to have sex and spoiled the mood. I’m looking for information about the exact right time. Any advice?

There is no perfect rule to follow to guarantee that a date will embrace all of who you are. So let’s flip the script: When you tell a date upfront that you’re bi, he or she will reveal an authentic self. When you wait to confide your sexuality, you will see your date’s true colors. That’s all. It’s not about you, unless you’re acting as if being bisexual is unacceptable.

It isn’t for you. Be confident in who you are. Behave accordingly. Using the same tone of voice in which you might share your career goals, number of siblings and what you love to do in your spare time, just say that you’re bi. After all, it’s as essential to who you are as your ethnicity or values. If someone can’t handle that, it’s their loss not yours. Trust that you’ve been protected from someone who isn’t ready to handle all the love you’re prepared to give. 

Meditation of the week
“Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole,” said poet Derek Walcott. What hungers to be put back together again in your life?

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