Before me, my boyfriend had weird emotional affairs with married women where he was their best friend and handyman but it never goes further. He wants it to, but the woman doesn’t think of him that way. He does more and more for the woman until she loses interest in him. He just told me about this and it sickened me. I thought I was in love with him, but now I have no respect. It’s like he was this sick little puppy dog following women around. Ewww! I don’t know if my feelings for him will come back. Advice, please!
You don’t love the man he was before he met you. You love the man he is now. There’s nothing wrong with preferring the evolved version of someone. Your boyfriend is no longer needy. At some point he saw himself, admitted his behavior wasn’t healthy and started to make smarter choices. Isn’t that something to appreciate?
Your disgust will disappear when you focus on the present. But when you invest yourself in images from your own mind to imagine your boyfriend’s past, your mind and body will have a reaction. It’s happening inside you. You’re the filmmaker, and your life experiences are the filters that control what you can see. If you don’t like those images, or the way you feel when you see them, stop creating them in your mind.
Emotions are energy attached to a belief system. So when you feel disgust, hurt, anger, sadness (or any other emotion), investigate what you believe created those feelings. A belief like, “Men shouldn’t be weak,” could inspire you to cringe if you perceive a man behaving in a manner that conflicts with that belief. So be curious about your feelings. Without curiosity, people tend to sit in their feelings and then behave as if the feelings are valid and of the utmost importance. Here’s another perspective: Emotions are information that teach us about ourselves. It’s helpful to acknowledge a feeling, notice what it’s attached to within our belief system and hold the belief system more lightly to keep an open mind and open heart. Once that becomes your way of being in the world, practice allowing difficult emotions to pass through you. That way, there’s more room inside for love and joy.
I’m in love with this girl, and then I find out that before we got together, basically when we were dating and getting to know each other, I was her backup because she was in love with someone else. I feel like she cheated on me. I can’t trust her. What should I do?
Strip away your fear that you were cheated on. It’s possible, of course, and could happen to anyone. Is it happening to you right now? If not, why stress? Trust you will learn what you need to know. Ask her directly, or meditate and wait for a clear answer. You can also decide it doesn’t matter because if it happened, it’s over. You must also strip away your fear of being second best. If you’re in a relationship, you’re “The One.” Act accordingly.