How to be creepy

Joey Garcia

If I meet a girl on Bumble or Tinder, is it a bad idea to send her a friend request on Facebook? When I see a girl I like on a dating site, I usually do a Google reverse image search on her photos to find out more about her. Sometimes I’ll see her on Facebook and notice we have people in common, so it seems better to get to know her on Facebook where we can both see everything about each other. Does that make sense?

Yes, if you want to creep her out. Hey, it’s understandable you would want to be certain she is who she appears to be. But when a woman receives a Facebook friend request from a stranger whose photo she recognizes from an online dating site, she might think you’re an online imposter. Too many people have been victims of scams in which a criminal seduces a lonely person with luscious photos and promises of eternal love. In 2016, the FBI received more than 15,000 complaints of romance scams and confidence frauds with associated losses totaling over $230 million. But online imposters rarely, if ever, meet their victims in person. So if you are truly interested in getting to know a woman, don’t do it primarily by sleuthing online or establishing connections across a variety of platforms. Spend time together in person and see if you vibe.

Keep this in mind, too: Online dating sites provide a safe boundary around an intimate part of our lives—dating, love and sex. If you violate that boundary by seeing a profile online, swiping right, and then moving off-platform to pen a message you post on another, unrelated site (like Facebook messenger), you seem emotionally unbalanced. Is that the first impression you hope to make?

I saw a guy on and noticed that he included information about his photography side hustle. I found him on Instagram and sent a direct message complimenting his work. We exchanged a few DMs, and it seemed like he was into me. I think he was about to ask me out, and I mentioned that I found him on Match. He has not responded to my DMs since. It’s been a few weeks now. I only mentioned Match because I wanted to stand out from all the women on that site and I wanted him to know I am single, too. Do you think I offended him?

He might be on guard, on vacation or in pursuit of another heart. None of that is any of your business, though. This is: your desire to stand out resulted in a standoff. Would you be willing to trust that you don’t have to overdo it in order to be seen, noticed and appreciated by the right guy? The DM slide—sending someone a direct message in the hope of getting their number and a date—is increasing in popularity, but not payoff. A DM slide inspires flirtations and 30-day flings but rarely results in a long-term connection. That’s because it’s more sizzle than substance. If a fling is enough, that’s cool. If you want more, learn to trust yourself.

Meditation of the week
“Some say we are responsible for those we love. Others know we are responsible for those who love us,” wrote the poet Nikki Giovanni. Is it time to grow in your ability to respond as a lover and as one who is loved?

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