I never get promoted at work despite dressing for the job I want, not the job I have, getting two mentors and completing every class offered. I’m never a priority to the men I date, either. The guy I’m currently seeing is not a good choice, but I’m lonely. All the yoga, soul searching, reading, meditation, antidepressants, therapy and gratitude lists don’t put a dent in loneliness. I don’t want to give up but I don’t want to keep trying, either.
Let’s break down your breakdown. The word “trying” means both “annoying” and “hard to endure.” Maybe you could stop “trying.” You’re exhausting yourself with the idea that you deserve a reward for your effort. I agree with Yoda: “Do or don’t do. There is no try.” You’re so focused on the prize that you’re missing the present. Find joy in the climb equal to what you expect to feel on the mountaintop. The spiritual practices you named help cleanse the ego, clear the mind and nurture self-awareness. The psychological supports you named can re-balance the brain and offer ways to cope with problems. Yes, including problems exacerbated by choosing the wrong man and staying after you know better. Translation: You’re telling yourself that being treated well in a relationship is a low priority for you.
The next time you think you can’t keep going, do this: Go another mile. Keep this mantra from yoga teacher Danielle LaPorte on the tip of your tongue: “I’ll do what it takes, as long as it takes.” There are times in life when surrender is the sweeter choice. But this is not that moment.
My husband has been snapping at me for no reason. Yesterday, I was busy at work and had only seconds to call the sitter while my boss stepped out. I didn’t have time to call my husband too, so I called him 15 minutes later. He went berserk that I had time for the sitter and not him. He accused me of lying. A few hours later he apologized. Yesterday, he didn’t call at the end of his workday like usual. I called to ask why he was still at work. He started cursing at me. He said his anger was my fault because I questioned him. I asked if something else happened to cause his anger. He said no. I care for the kids, cook, clean, work two jobs and never bitch. WTF am I doing wrong?
Blaming yourself—so please stop. Sometimes, an adult’s tantrums stem from guilt over a situation he hasn’t yet taken responsibility for. Other times, a physical health issue has compromised emotional health. Your husband might need to see his doctor or a psychologist. Meanwhile, you must heal your control issues. Shouldering two jobs, plus all childcare, cooking and cleaning while blaming yourself for your man’s outbursts, is the classic overdoing of a perfectionist. You might not be bitching verbally, but that vibe is being acted out in your marriage or in your body, whether you can see it or not. After all, tension has to be channeled somewhere. And, if you’re the boss of everything, your man might feel parented. A life coach can help you get your groove back.
Women Dreaming A New World, a six-session group facilitated by Joey, begins in February. Learn more at www.joeygarcia.com.