“I’m hitting the gym right after this robbery, you guys. I swear!”

The FBI needs to stop nicknaming bank robbers.

Seriously, it’s enough already. Last year alone, the FBI issued alerts about a “red hat bandit” in October, released surveillance video of a “water-logged” bandit in November and announced the sentencing of the “black hat bandit” in December. They even labeled a San Francisco bank robbery suspect the “straw hat bandit” back in October.

My fellow taxpayers, this is someone’s job.

Picture it: Somewhere deep inside Quantico is an unremarkable basement office where a small, elite squad of profilers digs through a bin of donated community theater hats and shouts “enhance!” at a computer monitor showing grainy surveillance video. Holding up the brim from a local high school production of “Oklahoma!”, a young agent meets the eyes of her colleagues. “We shall call him the ‘straw hat bandit,'” she says solemnly.

Murmurs of approval all around.

Anyway, a memo has apparently circulated telling this squad to cool it with the headwear fetish and non-threatening dog names. At least, that would explain the latest addition to this bizarre tradition, which the FBI announced in a Friday news release seeking information on a serial bank robber it’s calling, sigh, the “Hefty Heister.”

Yeah, that happened.

From the release:

The “Hefty Heister” is described as a stocky, white male who stands 5’6”-5’8” tall. He is believed to be 35-45 years old and may have blue eyes. During the robberies, the suspect wore baggy, dark-colored pants, and tan work boots or shabby athletic shoes with blue or black tops and white soles; and a ring on his third (ring) finger of his left hand.

Dude, they even go after his “shabby” footwear.

Who knows, maybe FBI profilers are privy to emerging research that says mildly insulting suspected criminals makes them too depressed to keep running. Or maybe they caught Marvel Comics patriarch—and famed alliterist*—Stan Lee on a bad day.

At any rate, is this really the tone the FBI wants to strike in pursuing the “armed and dangerous” man it suspects of perpetrating eight bank robberies in less than two months, including the January 19 robbery of an in-store Tri Counties Bank branch inside of a Raley’s in Elk Grove? Isn’t fat-shaming more of a KGB thing?

*For those not in the know, Stan Lee co-created Peter Parker, Bruce Banner, Reed Richards, Sue Storm, Matt Murdock and J. Jonah freakin Jameson, among others. He likes alliteration.

How about ‘Bad Beard Bandit'?