I have been with my significant other for nearly two years. We’ve talked about trying new things sexually but I constantly find myself hitting a wall when I try to think about doing anything “outside the box.” Can you recommend anything for getting over this hurdle? I don’t feel that I’m repressed sexually as much as I feel that haven’t been sexually liberated. Any suggestions?
Get naked. You can’t be sexually liberated until you strip your mind bare of the stories it tells you about sex, love and freedom. Begin by clarifying what “sexual liberation” means to you. The pop culture definition is cynical: A sexually liberated person satisfies his or her sexual needs and desires by any means necessary, even if it harms others. If you’re attached to that perspective, be warned: there’s no liberty in selfishness, cruelty or narcissism. That attitude and behavior fortifies your unhealthy ego and blocks access to your healthy ego and soul. The result is a deadening of your potential for higher consciousness, for a joyful heart and for spiritual evolution.
Sex should be delicious, juicy, orgasmic, evolutionary. Like this: One body meets another in love, gaining entry through the senses, but traveling beyond, transcending the body’s limits to ascend to something greater. That’s not about the right position, or toys, or mood, or body measurements or percentage of clock time. All of those factors arise in minds that are stuck in matter (yes, I mean the scientific term). By contrast, a mind skilled at transcending matter discovers creative energy and its own power to create. To play well with others in that field demands the release of shame and fear. Truly orgasmic experiences occur when we are connected to the deepest parts of ourselves while simultaneously connecting to another.
So how do you land on the shore of sexual liberation? Consider guidance from this Zen Buddhist principle: How you do anything is how you do everything. The same problems encountered in any other creative act also apply to sex. Writers who complain about “writer’s block,” for example, are actually suffering from the anticipation of failure or success. And, the anticipation of doing something wrong, or not good enough, of being ridiculed or failing to thrill, inhibits sexual freedom in relationship. So try this game: The naked body is a blank page. Be artful. Play.
My 13-year-old daughter lies all the time. I am at the end of my rope and don’t know what to do. Her mother and I are divorced, not amicably, but her mother has the same problems with her. My daughter is an excellent student and a natural athlete. There’s no reason for her to lie to us. We’re very understanding, but she won’t quit lying. Any advice?
Yes, stop saying that your daughter lies “all the time” because that’s a lie. She may fib frequently but it’s likely that she tells the truth, too. Studies say 96 percent of teenagers lie, mostly because they don’t want to disappoint their parents. Teens often lie to avoid tarnishing the image that a parent holds of them. So drop the idea of who you think she is and allow her to be imperfect, like the rest of us human beings. Encourage your daughter to tell the truth by responding without anger or anxiety when she is honest. Above all, stay calm. If she gets argumentative, don’t freak out. Teens think arguments are a valid form of negotiation. It’s also important to acknowledge her courage—“I’m so glad you told me the truth”—and to listen to her with an open mind. Always be clear about family rules and her responsibility to follow those rules. Eventually, she will feel safe enough to tell you the truth.