I have always been a loyal 2D movie-goer.
I’ve only seen a 3D movie twice. The first time was as a kid inside a small theater at Universal Studios, where they tried to make you feel like a race car driver by kicking your seat and streaming footage of a moving highway through floppy paper glasses.
It was the ‘80s and this was what passed for virtual reality. Yet, even then, most of us thought the future looked dumb.
The second time was a few years ago, when some out-of-town friends wanted to watch The Avengers at a Natomas cineplex. To me, the converted 3D reel made the digital bombast and alien hordes look even more fake and blurry than they did in 2D. Hulk pass.
I’ve seen only one movie in Imax. It was The Dark Knight, at the Esquire Theatre back in 2008. (Crap, that was seven years ago?) I couldn’t get used to craning my neck to follow a scene across the 80-foot-wide screen.
I had already screened the movie once in 2D and found that a much more satisfying experience. I just don’t need six stories to appreciate Heath Ledger’s punk-rock Joker performance.
But now comes word that the Esquire is selling beer and wine. “MOVIE GOING REFINED!!!” is how the theater put it in a release, because nothing says refinement like all caps and a stone-cold beer buzz.
Apparently the Esquire is Sacramento County’s first theater to legally provide alcohol along with first-run movies. So everything I wrote before? Forget it.
Bring the digital noise and motion sickness, Esquire. And whatever else passes for the modern movie experience these days. As long as you keep the brews coming to the cheap seats, maybe Furious 7 won’t seem so stupid.