My boyfriend and I broke up for seven months. I was devastated when he left. I slept around a lot, trying to ignore the pain of missing him. I’ve never done anything like that before. Over winter break, he and I ran into each other at a party. All of the old feelings were still there. We talked, hooked up that night and got back together. I was hoping that it would be like it was between us before and it was, at first. But now I feel so guilty over all the guys I was with while we were broken up. Should I tell my boyfriend? Or is it better to keep it to myself? I haven’t told anyone about sleeping around, not even my best friend. Please help me.
I believe wholeheartedly in telling the truth, but, in your case, timing is everything. Let’s get you ready for the day when you and your man talk about the “in-between” (as in “in between the time we broke up and got back together”).
Begin by unwrapping your feelings. Guilt means you think you did a bad, bad thing. It’s your conscience reminding you that you willfully ignored your intuition. In other words, your intuition messaged your brain and said you would regret those sexcapades. Ah well, we all make bad choices sometimes, right? Forgive yourself for denying your inner guidance system. Commit to listening and tending to your intuition in the future.
Be kind to yourself, too. You were broken up with your boyfriend when you hooked up with those other men; you didn’t cheat on him. You did cheat on yourself, however. If you want healing, learn how to deal with grief sanely: talk to a psychologist, write in your journal, practice meditation with a teacher or read my book, When Your Heart Breaks, It’s Opening to Love: Healing and Finding Love After a Heartbreak, Affair or Divorce. Engage in activities that invite a deeper self-awareness, not a denial of pain.
P.S. If you haven’t already, please schedule an appointment with your gynecologist.
What is it with guys talking marriage on the first, second or third date? Whatever happened to hanging out and getting to know each other? Why are they investigating what I’m doing every night and acting like I’m the one? It is such a turnoff.
Some people do put commitment before the conversations that determine compatibility. It’s either a misguided understanding of relationships or an awkward attempt to seduce you. Don’t bother wasting energy on feeling indignant. Tell your date you never talk marriage until after 731 days as a couple. That should keep his head spinning long enough for you to decide whether you’d rather be home alone. And, if a man you’re attracted to talks marriage on the first date, be honest. Say that marrying a stranger might work on a reality show but it’s not your style in real life.
Beware, ladies! I met a man online whose dating profile stated he was searching for his soul mate. Our profiles were a match so I emailed him. I explained that I was also a psychologist and invited him to coffee. He emailed back saying that he was only interested in friendships, not dates. I asked why he didn’t state that honestly in his profile. He agreed that he should have. Now, he is teaching classes on how to date online. A girlfriend told me that this man was never single but pretended to be single to do “research” online. What a creep!
It’s possible that this man has changed since the email exchange with you. But if not, be grateful that you escaped the experience of dating a dishonest man. That’s worth celebrating, right?