The man casts a full moon as he crawls to safety.

Unaware or uncaring that his pants are bunched around his ankles and his bare ass lights the night, the man inches on hands and knees along the cracked sidewalk that curls around the Folsom Hotel Saloon. As he tries to leave the fight behind, a crowd of drunks, swooning like a savage collage, flail at each other with merciless abandon.

A chaotic brawl erupted outside of the suburban music venue early Sunday morning. And while we can’t tell you what the November 30 skirmish was about—even the police aren’t sure—it certainly featured plenty of unsportsmanlike conduct.

The worst offender was a bearded chap who darted in and out for sucker assaults like a rangy mosquito. Case in point: When a dazed combatant propped himself against the Sutter Street bar’s lower wall to regain his bearings, the bearded chap took a skipping run and punted him in the skull. It was a disturbing act of aggression, and dropped the victim like a stone.

Two yellow-shirted security guards at the center of the melee looked helpless, waving their arms like air traffic controllers as the crowd ignored them and two women tore each other’s hair.

A nonplussed 911 dispatcher hung up before requesting witness information. It wasn’t her first call. Minutes later, a patrol car with flashing siren lights rounded the corner and dumped two uniformed officers onto the street. A gassed security guard with a ZZ Top beard jabbed his arms at the remaining brawlers and huffed, “These guys, these guys.”

Officers tackled two combatants and detained them. Most of the participants simply walked away. No arrests were made, according to the Folsom Police Department’s online log. The entry for the 12:50 a.m. battery incident reads only, “Report taken.”