Woulda, coulda, shoulda

Joey Garcia

A buddy invited me to Tahoe to celebrate his girlfriend’s birthday, and I invited a woman I’ve been dating for the last six weeks. She’s gorgeous, and I thought our relationship was going somewhere. Before we left, she told me she had a dream about my buddy. I thought that was weird because she had never met him. For the drive to Tahoe, she wore a short skirt, high heels and a sexy little top. I’ve never seen her dressed like that before. After she met my friend, she flirted with him nonstop. She kept saying they had a special connection, but I figured out later she knew stuff about him from Facebook. I was mad but didn’t want to ruin the weekend for my buddy and his girl, so I didn’t say anything. She called me the day after we got back to thank me for the weekend. I was too pissed to respond to that or to her texts. Should I tell her she was inappropriate?

No, don’t parent her. I’m a huge fan of direct, honest communication, but in this case, it won’t help. She may be gorgeous, but she’s also clueless. A confrontation about her inability to respect your buddy’s relationship with his girlfriend (on a birthday weekend, no less) won’t sate your anger. If you accuse her of flirting with your buddy, she’s likely to act surprised, then insist she was just being friendly. You might want to believe her because, well, you think she’s gorgeous. But let’s translate her plea of naiveté. What it really means is that she has no ability to discern the difference between being pleasant company on a couples’ weekend and throwing herself at another man. Seriously, do you want to mess with that?

On the other hand, if you confront her, she might accuse you of being insecure. That would put you on the defensive, arguing insistently that the real issue is her behavior. That argument would likely end when one of you hangs up on the other. And then, for days afterward, her putdowns and your woulda, coulda, shoulda responses would be swirling around in your brain. Why bother?

Darlin’, you deserve a woman who appreciates you and is attracted to the man you are right now. Don’t be so distracted by her packaging that you deny how smarmy she is and how incompatible the two of you are. Send her a text that says, “Thanks for joining me for a Tahoe weekend. It didn’t work out between us, but I’m glad we met. Warmly, (your name here).” Then be nice to yourself by blocking her number and deleting her from your social-media sites. After all, there’s no good reason to stay in touch. If you do, you teach your brain to value relationships with gorgeous people who treat you badly. And who does that benefit? Not you.

I met a woman online, went out to lunch with her, and although I enjoyed our conversation, I just wasn’t feeling it. I started dating someone else, but that didn’t work out. I went out again with the first woman and had a great time, but still no chemistry. We decided to be friends. We went to a concert together, and, for some reason, I kissed her goodnight. Our kiss was deep and amazing. Now I can’t get her out of my head, but I’m completely out of hers. What should I do?

Realize that you have been confused. Physical attraction is essential, but it’s friendship that sustains a couple. So tell this woman that you desire an intimate relationship with her. It’s friendship plus physical attraction that ensures a healthy dating relationship or long-term commitment.

Meditation of the week
“You will be known by your dreams,” wrote poet Brenda Hillman in the last line of “After a Very Long Difficult Day.” Hillman reads her poetry Monday, May 19, at 7 p.m. at the Parkway Theatre (5051 47th Avenue) as part of a benefit for the Women's Wisdom Art program. Are your dreams big enough to power your life?

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