She left us seven messages about Joshua Wood

No, not her.

My cover story on up-and-coming political player Joshua Wood, executive director of a trade association called Region Builders Inc., is getting a different reception than I expected.

After the story came out online on August 21, two regular commenters on our website hurled scandalous accusations at each other about having HIV and diddling children. Neither of which my story is about. (I’m pretty sure.) The comments were taken down, but take my word for it, they were effing weird.

Then on Monday, editorial coordinator Deena Drewis intercepted seven messages from the same woman about the Wood profile. I transcribed the first three because, well, I have work and stuff. The messages hopscotch from the proposed Sacramento Kings arena (I think she’s for it. Wait, against. No, she’s…forgainst?) to race (She seems to hate that she’s attracted to a handsome biracial cat like Wood.) to how President Obama makes fun of the Sacramento News & Review (Well, duh.).

This is a mostly intact excerpt of those calls. I’ve edited out her name and telephone number because I’m not a total jerk.

9:43 a.m. Monday, Aug. 26
Hi this is [REDACTED]. My telephone number is 555-FAKE. If you could give me a call back so that I could possibly direct this complaint to (cough) Raheem Hosseini for the most recent cover page. (Pause) Um, this is frivolous, and it’s on the same page with nominees of the best Sacramento News & Review, along with a fight like a girl. (Pause) Um, he’s ugly. He reflects the true fiber of your, the texture of your newspaper, OK? Give me a call back, alright? This is [REDACTED], 555-FAKE—so that I can direct certain types of interpretive messages to Raheem F. Hosseini, who is not sovereign here in the state of California.

9:46 a.m. Monday, Aug. 26
OK, this individual would decrease support for the ever-so-genius arena idea. Again, this has been going on for quite some great time. The Kings-of-entertainment notion has been going on for quite. Some. Time. And these are very, very serious developments.

This is not (pause) a situation where you can just bring in a little cutie-cutie-fine-fine, a lighter skin with, y’know, white, umm, highlights or Asian highlights, because that’s what you want to see! Why can’t you keep that in the bedroom?! Why can’t you see that that’s new blood which doesn’t have the INFORMATION? It’s just DNA! Why can’t you see that, young blood?! Why can’t you see that?!

You keep bringing in this little plastic image! Why do you keep doing that?! What kind of a, what kind of a brain do you have? You really have a brain where it’s metal and water going through? You have a rainbow, don’t you? That person looks like something plastic that you fit in a hole. I’m getting tired of the way you feel that you can just do that! This is [sic] reflect our California savvy. I do not like that. The word in the article hurts my brain. I am a lawyer.

9:50 a.m. Monday, Aug. 26
(Laughs) I mean, his mouth looks mysterious with cigarettes and coffee.

Do you understand what I’m telling you? That is promoting the wrong notion within this city, which is church and state! You are allowed to be here. But you are not going to distort the image to the younger generation about your personal feelings, Sacramento News & Review! You haven’t really accomplished anything literary. Your position is still very shaky in terms of political savvy. You just don’t (pause) appeal anyway. It’s da-ga! [It’s what she said.] It doesn’t go any one way direction. And that’s definitely down.

As an advocate from Washington DC, as an advocate for the president, I am telling you now that you will get the biggest (ahem) publicity sanction, and you. Will. Be. Made. Fun of, because of your lack of control.

Then again, this is very much some sort of an edifice structure with water going through it, OK? I guess he’s nasty. Your little black nasty guy, huh? And he looks like a fucking rainbow. I’m sorry, but I should’ve known, if you have an editor like Jeffrey. I should’ve known. … He retains so much bullshit. …

Man I hate you.

And scene.

Thanks for sharing your “interpretive messages,” caller. Monkey football jumping jack. Catch you on the flipside.

Message for Dave Kempa
Message for Raheem Hosseini

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