“Are you there, Kempa? It’s me, Crazy.”

The Sacramento News & Reviews always appreciates feedback, but we particularly enjoy it in the form of a late-night rant.

Take, for instance, the two-part masterpiece that found its way to Raheem Hosseini’s inbox early this month. Or the message, transcribed below, sent to me late one evening last week.

Hey, uh, just trying to get through the message board here. Checking out your ‘do rag here, like that [co-editor Nick] Miller guy, with that Crip rag on his head. That guy needs a swift kick, I’m telling you. What’s with those stupid shorts and those geeky socks, like Jesus Cuh-rist. Yeah, and that big frown, all serious, like he’s on crank or something—Jesus!

You guys prophesize the marijuana. You can take a hit of bud, and put a smile on your face, instead of everybody looking all grumpy and dishelved [sic]–Jesus!

Anyway. We’re over here in Paradise Beach area, and it’s not a good idea to be advertising all these bums coming down to our River Park neighborhood and, uh, getting sloppy and drunk. Up to no good. There’s another part of the beach that’s nicer. You can get away from scum. That’s coming from midtown—south area.

Yeah, us East Sac boys like to keep it clean over here: Striper fishing and a nice dip in the water. The girls have gone downhill down at the beach—tattooed trash.

As far as the rag goes, I don’t mind the left-leaning stuff. I’m kind of that way, anyway, but, um, yeah, it’s just—something about this cover I don’t like. It’s funny in a way, but, uh, that Miller guy needs to lighten up. Or get his nut busted or something. Boy, he looks like he’s about ready to fall of the face of the earth or something! [laughs]

Yeah, sometimes you guys have some good stuff. Sometimes it’s junk, but you know.  I wanted to be a journalist at one time myself. Yeah. Kit Carson. Sac High. I went through the whole thing. I’m the local product. You could pit-put me in there right now, I’d probably lay down some better stuff than some of the rot I’m getting out of the rag, there. 

Eh, it’s not all bad… some of it’s good. I’m just trying to give you a little critique, there.

Anyway, you probably got better things to do than listen to me rant and rave. [laughs] I gotta put some food in the microwave! And happy to you’s, News & Reviews!

Like I said: Get that Miller guy to lighten up. Put a smile on his face. Might make a difference, yeah.

And get away from all those grunge rock acts you got. Maybe you wanna get down to something a little bit more bluesy. Classic rock-like. Get away from the freak show.

Oookie-dokey orrachokie[?], woo-hoohoo! Come on down to Paradise Beach, boah, and bring that beer. You might get a ticket!

Look out for Pearl Daddy,

Woo!

 

And a hearty woo to you, Pearl Daddy. Thank you for the feedback.

And for the rest of our readers, We’re looking forward to more slurred, late-night monologues.