I went to a party over spring break with a guy I’ve been talking to and like a lot. Halfway through, I ran into some old friends and he went off to get more drinks. He was gone a long time, but I’m not a clingy girl, so I didn’t worry. When I finally found him, he was making out with some girl. I took off and called a friend to drive me home. The guy I like has been calling me nonstop, saying he’s sorry and that she came on to him. I finally texted him back, and we had coffee. I still really like him. He still doesn’t know that I was standing there for a minute watching him with that girl. It looked like he was into it, but maybe he was drunk like he says. Do you think I should give him another chance?
Yes, definitely give this guy another chance if you’re willing to accept that he doesn’t know how to date. Oh, sorry, you probably hate the word “date,” right? That’s OK, I can speak your dialect: You “talk” to each other, mostly without hearing the other person’s voice. If the digital socializing goes well, you meet up and make out. If you both liked the make-out session, you hook up and are officially “a thing.” Ay yi yi! The language of contemporary courtship is vague enough to avoid responsibility, intimacy or commitment. Cool? No, confusing.
Here’s the breakdown: A guy who cares about you has your back when you are out together. Yes, that means he doesn’t get plastered. He disciplines his partying because he wants to ensure that you have a good time and are never in harm’s way. A guy who cares about you doesn’t get drunk and then claim to be the victim of the girl sticking her tongue down his throat. Being drunk is not an excuse for bad behavior. Getting drunk is a choice and, sometimes, a red flag signaling addiction.
A guy who cares about you is never so bombed that he forgets to return with the drinks he promised. A guy who really likes you stays sober so he can return you home safely. That didn’t happen, this did: You went to a party with a guy you like and learned he doesn’t care what happens, either to him or to you. Yes, he’s apologetic. Why not agree? He’s sorry. (Yes, I mean it both ways). If you stay in contact with him, you’ll be sorry, too. (No, I only mean it one way: full of regret.)
When is the right time to say “I love you” to a girl? I’ve been with this girl for a couple months, and she is really hot. Every time we’re together, I want to tell her, but I hold myself back. Does that mean I’m not really feeling it?
You’re feeling grateful, happy, amazed, attracted. It’s a sweet, heady mix of delicious emotions, but it’s not love. The best time to say “I love you” is when you realize that her personality is really hot. Translation: The two of you sync in a way that feels like something you would work hard to keep. So, tell her you love her after you begin making choices that prioritize her welfare and the health of your relationship and you have noticed she does the same for you.
Real love comprises the daily choices and decisions that create an enduring friendship, and maintain affection and sexual chemistry, while also honoring commitment and trustworthiness. We make these choices and decisions because we value our integrity, our partner’s trust and the integrity of the relationship. When you feel this level of awareness beginning to grow inside you, it’s the right time to speak the truth about love.
“We share our lives with the people we have failed to be,” writes Adam Phillips in Missing Out: In Praise of the Unlived Life. Are you mourning losses or celebrating birthdays?