I was dating a guy and we had plans to have dinner and then enjoy Second Saturday together. He lives out of town, and the restaurant we were meeting at has more than one location, so I was careful to describe the right one. He kinda blew me off as I was clarifying the right location, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. Well, he went to the wrong restaurant. I waited, thinking he was just late or in traffic, and by the time I called he was driving back home, furious, because he thought I stood him up. I tried to remind him that I described the restaurant and its location. He just said, “It’s over,” and hung up the phone. I am so angry at being wronged. What’s up with me?
You’re smart and that conscious, evolved part of you knows that this man was too arrogant to be a viable love connection. But another part of you is invested in his opinion of you. That self wants to rescue your image from him and smooth over the rough edges. This compulsion to prove that you are right is a distraction. If you could chat with him, would he really change his mind about you? Probably not. From your description of the mix-up, it appears he was looking for an exit before that last date and he used the mix-up to his advantage. So when your mind flits back to demanding vindication, retrain it to be grateful that you learned the truth of whom he is before committing more time to the relationship.
I met a man online and we exchanged a few brief e-mails and two phone calls and then, poof, he was gone. He said he was busy, so I gave him lots of space. I also started dating someone else. After about four months (my dating relationship was over by this time), the man I met online e-mailed me and revived our connection. We have talked a few times, but he never actually asks me out. It’s all very vague, like he plans to be in my area in the next month for work and he will call me. I wonder if I should just be casual and wait for him to ask me out. Or should I just stop hoping for something to happen?
Oh, honey! Something has already happened: You’ve wasted life energy waiting for attention from an unavailable man. Your e-buddy is probably married, to his job or a partner, or both. So stop acting like his communication crumbs are sweet cake. His ego might need the stimulation of an illicit relationship, but you don’t have to buy into that deceit.
My sister met a man online five years ago who lives in another state. They e-mail daily and talk by phone regularly. Whenever she proposes meeting he has an excuse and she buys it. She thinks he is her soul mate, the only person who really understands her. Family and friends have convinced her to continue meeting and dating others. She has but compares them to her Internet guy and they all fall short. Why doesn’t she see that he is stringing her along?
She prefers fantasy. If your sister admits that her Internet guy is not interested in a flesh-and-blood relationship, she must also admit that she manipulated herself to believe otherwise. And, she would have to confess that real relationships are messy and she doesn’t think she can handle one. If she continues contact with Mr. Internet, she is assured that one segment of her life is under perfect control. If you are truly concerned about her descent into illusion, try to get her into therapy.