My girlfriend broke up with me about nine months ago for someone else. She refuses to talk to me, but she has come out to the clubs where I deejay with the guy she left me to be with. Once, I was sitting at a table with friends and she danced right in front of me with this guy. Later, I was dancing with a lady and my ex came on the floor and danced right next to us. Since then she has come out by herself a couple of times. The last time she was in the club alone, I was saying goodnight to friends, and when I walked past her, she butted her shoulder into my spine. When I turned back she refused to look at me, so I sent her a text asking why she did that. I got no answer, so I called her and she would not pick up the phone. What is going on?
Yoo-hoo, she has issues! She’s needling you, and unfortunately, it’s working. Hey, did she ever accuse you of flirting with women in the club or other betrayals? Call me crazy, but she’s acting like you cheated on her, and she needs to prove (to herself and you) that she’s still desirable. Club dancing, after all, is just a socially acceptable form of seduction. Our culture initiates us into it during junior high, so by high school, it’s commonly used to express sensuality and solicit sexual attention. (Of course, it can also just be playful and fun!) Unfortunately, it’s also awkward to watch an ex-partner shaking it with someone new.
Your ex-girlfriend may be completely asleep to her behavior, though. She may simply believe that she has the same right as you do to party in a club where you work. The conundrum is her Jet Li chop into your back. Is it possible that it was simply an accident? The situations that led up to it convinced you that it was intentional, but it may just be an odd coincidence. At least if you choose to believe it was a coincidence, you can let this relationship go, which is exactly what you need to do. One thing is certain: There’s no need to call or text her to secure the answer to anything. You know exactly what is going on: a bad breakup. Acknowledge your role in the drama, apologize if necessary and move on.
During my 15-year marriage, I formed a strong bond with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I am now divorced and still hang out with my ex’s family. My former husband is cool with that, except during holidays. He feels uncomfortable and argumentative when I am present at holiday functions, even though his mom invites me. She doesn’t like his fiancée. I do, actually, and feel no animosity toward either of them, so do you think it’s OK if I continue to attend holiday events? I don’t really get along with my own family.
If you and your former husband have children together and his mamacita invites you over to celebrate holidays, go with your kids. But if you do not have children together and your presence brings stress to a gathering, don’t go. You can schedule other play dates for yourself and your former sister- and mother-in-law. It’s also important that you begin to create a spiritual family for yourself composed of people whose company you enjoy. Invite these folks over on holidays. But don’t create problems for your ex-husband. One of you will eventually be banned from gatherings because of the resulting drama. And, as we say in Belize, “Blood is thicker than water.” In other words, it will likely be you.
kindness,” wrote Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Hmm, can you face relentlessly difficult people with kindness? If not, what good is your religion or spiritual path?