After a five-year dating dry spell, I finally met a really great guy. We’ve been dating for eight months, and the only problem is our sexual connection. This is going to sound weird, but it’s like a raunchy porn video. I do enjoy it most of the time, but just once (OK, more than once), I would like him to be romantic and loving. How do I talk to him about something that he probably doesn’t consider a problem? He has never said it, but I know he loves me. Please help, I don’t want to screw this up!
Um, interesting choice of words, missy. First, I would not assume that your man loves you unless he says so. Love is a commitment that some people refuse to enter. Second, here’s one possible reason why your man has a different approach to sex than you desire: prep during his teen years. Surveys of teenage boys reveal that a lot of them watch pornography online because they believe it will be instructive. They are fearful of not knowing exactly what to do sexually, so they look to their trusted childhood baby sitters—television and computers—for answers. According to studies, some of the pornography teen boys encounter communicates values such as: All women like whatever men do—or all women always want sex from men—and any women who don’t will be persuaded by force.
The revelation of discovery and the experience of learning how to have sex uniquely with one partner is missed on this path. And since these boys usually masturbate while watching porn on their computers, their bodies and minds associate porn sex with orgasm. Which, of course, brings us to your man. It’s possible that, during puberty, he trained his brain with porn, so that’s what his body responds to now. According to modern psychology, changing that pattern is not impossible, but it is difficult. The things that turn us on sexually become deeply embedded in our nature.
Porn sex is not about intimacy, yet intimacy is what you’re seeking when you desire a loving sexual experience with your man. Communication—which literally means to become one with—is at the heart of intimacy. So you must gather the courage to talk to your boyfriend about your wishes. If he bolts, he simply was not the right one for you. But don’t hold on just because he’s the first good match after a long dry spell. Be open to seeing that he might simply be helping you prepare for the real Mr. Right.
My brother won’t grow up. He’s 44 years old and has been a teacher, store owner, real-estate agent, general contractor and now wants to study law. Every time he starts a career, he gets frustrated and within a few years he quits. Then he wants me to bail him out or help him pay for school for the next endeavor. He always convinces me that it will be different, but it never is. Giving him handouts always compromises my own dreams, but I don’t want to abandon him.
Sibling loyalty is an expectation of emotional support, not the endless financing of a brother’s (or sister’s) life. Selecting one line of work can provide security and financial stability, but it’s also possible that your bro’s varied background will coalesce into a brilliant career. If you opt to stop offering financial aid, it’s likely that he will be angry. If you are mature enough to understand that he is allowed to have feelings in response to your choices, you will ride the wave of his emotion to a satisfying end. Until then, you are abandoning yourself (by delaying your own dreams) whenever you begrudgingly give him money.
