If I date a woman who I have to chase, I get needy, and she breaks up with me. I grovel, trying to get her back. When that fails, I spiral into a bad (and long) funk. If I date a woman who is available and wants to date me, I’m distant, then close, then distant again. She gets tired of it, and we break up, but we usually get back together because we miss each other. Then I’m distant again, and, well, you get the picture. I do want to be in a relationship. I just can’t seem to stop myself from ruining everything good in my life. Maybe I just like being single.

If you have to chase a woman, there’s a good chance she’s not that into you, so it’s safe for you to imagine yourself available to her. This allows you to preserve the image of yourself as a romantic. It also validates your melancholy (the kissing cousin of depression) and allows you to stay in control.

If a woman is open to an intimate, committed relationship with you, it’s a turn-off. Your low self-esteem tells you there must be something wrong with her if she’s interested in someone like you. You think of love as the loss of emotional control, and so, because of your issues with depression, you fear love, even though infatuation (not love) causes the emotional damage you fear. You break up with her, believing that being single is better than the tsunami of emotions you routinely bury yourself under (because you never commit to processing your emotions on a regular basis). Then you miss being with someone who cares about you, and you return to the relationship.

The problem is not that you prefer being single. The real issue is that you are insecure. When you accept that you are loveable, desirable and capable of being in a relationship, you will be at peace.

I’m a 40-plus African-American woman, beautiful inside and out. My last relationship was six years ago, and the guy was married. Back when I was in my late 20s, I had a good relationship with a gentleman who said he would treat me like a lady so that later in life I would know how it feels to be treated with respect. It was wonderful. We haven’t been intimate in over 13 years, but we are the best of friends. This gentleman is always concerned for my welfare and my son’s.

Most men I meet try to impress me, instead of being themselves. I’ll tell them how I am and what I would like. Then we have a disagreement, and because I’m strong, they straight out hate me. But after a few weeks or a month, they return, apologize and say I was right. I’m so tired of all this. I don’t have the energy to mix. I don’t think I have high standards, but I want a real down-to-earth man.

You and thousands of other wonderful single women like yourself! Until that grounded gentleman arrives in your life, let yourself fully enjoy the freedom of being single. Hey, you have the whole bed to yourself every night, you can make decisions according to your own whims, and you have time to fulfill lifelong dreams without inhibition. While you’re enjoying your life, ask yourself why you have not continued a romantic relationship with the gentleman who cherished you enough to treat you with respect and who continues to pour agape into your life. Maybe the answer to your question is nearer than you imagine.