My boyfriend, his girlfriend and their baby

Joey Garcia

I have been dating a guy for eight months. We are very serious. I just found out that he has a 2-month-old baby with another girl. The girl lost her apartment, and now she stays in his house. He does not have the heart to throw her out, so he stays with me. What should I do?

Be honest with yourself. The only serious thing about your relationship is that it is sinking. After eight months, you just found out that your man is a daddy. Honey, he’s been a daddy for 11 months (nine months of pregnancy plus two months of life outside the womb). His lies of omission—editing reality to appeal to the person he is talking to—reveal that having what he wants is more important to him than creating genuine intimacy with you.

Don’t give him props for “not having the heart” to evict his child and former (current?) girlfriend from his apartment. He has an obligation to ensure that his child has a clean and safe place to life, healthy meals, love and attention, guidance, a solid education, good medical coverage, etc. Taking care of these things for his own child does not render him a good guy. If he was taking care of his child plus, say, orphans in Romania, in all the ways that I have stated, then you could admire him. In the meantime, he needs to provide for the family he co-created—even working two jobs, if needed. And, yes, the baby’s mother shares these responsibilities. But while she is tending to a toddler, the bulk of the financial responsibility falls on him.

Or is the financial burden on your shoulders now? Take care not to add to the chaos of this situation by shouldering all his bills plus your own. If you think it is difficult to extricate yourself now, becoming his cash cow and then trying to leave the relationship will inspire guilt trips galore.

So, here is my final question for you: Do you have the heart to love yourself enough to toss out the dreams you had of a life with this man? After all, he is not available for a future with you until he creates and follows through with a plan for supporting his family, stops cheating on you and stops lying to you. Don’t settle for less.

Where can I meet women?

Anywhere you are. Your question is really “Where can I meet a woman with whom I can connect and have a deeply satisfying relationship?” There is no magical place—no club or singles organization or coffeehouse or Web site—that can guarantee that you will meet your ideal partner. Don’t focus on a location. Attend to your internal space instead.

Are you open to the changes that must take place in your belief systems, your ego, your choices, your decision-making process and your schedule to accommodate an intimate committed relationship? Are you expecting the relationship to be the total container for passion in your life, or are you intensely engaged in other activities that keep you fired up about life? You have to have a life before you can share a life with someone else. Invest your energy in becoming the person that you imagine you would be while in a nurturing, committed, romantic relationship. That may attract someone special, but if it doesn’t, your life will still be deeply satisfying to you.

Meditation of the week
I was a guest on Peggy Bean’s Women’s Show on KVMR in Nevada City recently, answering questions about relationships. A woman called just to express her appreciation of this column. Her generous words brought tears to my eyes. This week, dear readers, be grateful for the people who are grateful for you.

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