Be the love of your own life

Joey Garcia

My 40-year-old boyfriend slept with a 24-year-old party girl co-worker shortly after he and I talked about purchasing a home together. We have kids from previous relationships and I wanted us to be together as a family. After a six-week absence, he returned. I foolishly agreed to be his secret lover knowing he was dating this girl. Our energy was intense; we connected spiritually in a way that we never had before. I figured that he needed time to get what drove him to her out of his system. He soon apologized, said I was the right choice (he just needed to be sure) and he wanted me in his life forever. After not hearing from him for a week, he told me he is having a baby with this girl, but wants to be friends with me. I feel that he will regret this terrible mistake. I’m devastated but trying hard to stay positive. Meditation helps when I dwell on this situation, but how do I deal with being without the love of my life?

By admitting that if you were the love of his life, he would not treat you with such utter disrespect. The joint purchase of a house is an invitation to a deeper commitment. Faced with that possibility, a rational adult would respond to their partner directly by saying “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe, I need to think about it for a week” (or whatever period of time feels right). For some people, buying a house with their partner is a life-changing opportunity, one that forces them to face the truth about their relationship. Your boyfriend clearly struggled with ambivalence about his relationship with you. But rather than acknowledge his concerns rationally and respectfully, he opted out by acting out. So, don’t employ a euphemism to soften the vagary of his affair: He didn’t sleep with a co-worker. They had sexual intercourse and it was a betrayal of your relationship with him. Do you think he is the right man to teach your children about love?

Here is the truth: Your boyfriend dated his co-worker to get you out of his system. Once he felt free, he allowed himself to connect with you sexually. Since you yearned for a sign that he would choose you and not her, you imagined that sexual intercourse equaled emotional union. You had makeup sex with him while he was having breakup sex with you. The connection was intense because the union between you was dying. It felt spiritual because you imbued it with hope. Now it’s time to be grateful that this relationship has ended. Mourn the closure and then become the love of your own life, so you can understand what love should really feel like.

I have been assigned to a work project that requires me to meet with representatives from another company on a regular basis for one year. Recently, I asked a man from this company out. He said no, because it was a conflict of interest. We talk a lot, even about personal things. After our work together is done, should I ask him out again? Or wait for him to ask me? I don’t want to seem aggressive.

If you applied for a job you really wanted and, after seeing your resume, the employer said he was interested but would not have an opening for one year, would you pursue it? Of course! So don’t let the romantic feelings distract you and complicate something that should be simple. Continue your conversations with this man and then, when the timing is right, ask him out again. If he says no, don’t consider yourself rejected. Instead, celebrate your ability to follow through on something that you want to do.

Meditation of the week
My friend Bill and I have been taking a tango class at my health club taught by the staff of Tango by the River. Bill leads, I follow. He reminds me not to lead. I remind him not to push me when he leads. We laugh. A lot. Sometimes we forget the dance steps and make up our own. As the Zen Buddhists say, “How you do anything, is how you do everything.”

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