How long is never ever?

Joey Garcia

I consciously will myself to let go of my ex-husband, but he fills my thoughts and dreams. He says he “never ever” wants to see or hear from me again. I find him cruel, hurtful and emotionally unavailable and his behavior childish and immature. Yet I want to talk with him and know that he is OK. Our relationship was not good, but the emotional work that I’ve done allows me to love him. As a spiritual being, I believe in forgiveness and repentance, in loving the other unconditionally and then getting on with your life. Guidance please.

Respect his request. “Never ever” means that your ex-husband is done. He does not need you to call and check on him. He does not want to chitchat about life. He is complete without you. Can you learn to be OK without him? You can, but only if you stop being in cahoots with denial. When you have loved someone and they choose to move on without you, it’s not always easy to understand or accept. However, choosing to tighten your grip when he says, “Let go!” is choosing to suffer. If you want to become a person who acts from integrity, heal the wound that compels you to compulsively cling to this man.

It is your desperation and neediness (not spirituality) that inspire you to insist that he retain a relationship with you. Repent from living out of your neediness. Begin to love yourself unconditionally and you’ll stop trying to prohibit him from getting on with his life. Then you’ll gain a glimpse of what spirituality is really about.

The good news is that your subconscious is trying to help. When images of your ex frolic through your brain, your ego has a fundamental choice: to remain unconscious (i.e. keep trying to change his mind about you) or to wake up and become self-aware about the split between your own perspective and reality. This is a chance to look at what is immature, cruel, hurtful, emotionally unavailable and childish about you. Hey, we all have issues. Find a spiritual director or a Jungian-trained psychotherapist to help you with yours.

Recently, I was suicidally depressed because I worked in a job that I intuitively disliked in an environment full of negative people. I was new and felt isolated and inept. After one month, my boss basically told me that I wasn’t learning fast enough. I took it hard. The next day, a friend unexpectedly showed up to take me to lunch. He reminded me how to laugh and that some people actually liked me. Later that day, after a job interview, my prospective boss looked me in the eye and said, “You are great,” calmly and directly. It was so weird and out of place that I did not credit it to him. Do you believe the universe sends angels and messages to help us in times of emotional need?

I do believe that, if we are open to support, it is available to us. I am grateful that you accepted some sweetness and let it lift you into an attitude that allowed you to remain on the planet. Just as you appreciated your friend’s actions and the prospective employer’s compliment, is it possible that you used your boss’ words as anchors to keep you stuck in depression? I noticed that you wrote, “basically told me,” which may be a sign that you were reading a lot into your boss’ words. Perhaps, because of your emotional state, you were trying to justify your unworthiness. As for angels, I think they are always more human than imagined.

Meditation of the week
After fireworks, the smell of sulfur singes our nostrils. The pilgrims believed that sulfur was the devil’s scent. What bedevils you? Will you liberate yourself by making it into something beautiful for the world to behold?

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