I’m not sexually attracted to very many guys. Does that mean something is wrong with me? I’m straight, female, 26 years old, educated and employed. Most of my girlfriends are with really hot guys. I never attract guys like that. Guys that ask me out can’t keep a conversation going. They show up for our date dressed like they fell asleep in their clothes after a binge. I’m cute, fit and generally optimistic. Why can’t I attract the kind of guy I want?

You can. It just hasn’t happened—yet. Yes, it’s humbling (or annoying, depending on your personality) to discover that the timing of life events isn’t completely under our control. We co-create our lives, and that means our desires, actions and decisions overlap with other people’s desires, actions and decisions. And, depending on your belief system, a Divine Consciousness could also be pulling some strings. Or not.

Here’s the gold in your dilemma: If you’re not sexually attracted to the men who are asking you out, why date them? If you assume you might be more attracted after getting to know a man, well, that seems legit. But if you’re just dating to avoid being lonely, you’re sending yourself mixed signals about what you really want. Think about the qualities and values that you can’t live without in a partner. Do you long for an emotionally healthy guy? Or do you just want arm candy? I’m not saying that you can’t have both, but if it comes down to it, what do you really need in order to commit? Knowing your top six non-negotiable relationship qualities or values will help you choose dates more wisely.

Let’s talk about sexual attraction. From a spiritual perspective, sexual attraction is deeply connected to our energy patterns. One person can feel an electrical charge of attraction to another without realizing it’s hooked into old unresolved wounds. Issues from childhood wounds, brokenness from adult relationships, even fears about ourselves can become barriers to bliss. So that sizzle isn’t always two soul mates connecting; it’s sometimes one pain-body locking on to another. People who are primarily sex-driven need to be desired sexually. That’s sexy until we realize it’s fed by serious control issues that will eventually blow up the relationship. Sexual attraction is also affected by sexual trauma—abuse, rape and sexual repression rooted in religious beliefs make it harder to surrender sexually and emotionally to a partner. A good psychologist or relationship coach can help.

I’m divorced and have been dating online for two years. I’ve met some guys, but mostly it’s been a lot of back-and-forth online messages that never result in dates. There have been guys I’ve had a few dates with, but after awhile they end contact. My friends say I’m too picky. I want a man who is honest, takes care of himself, can talk with me and likes to go out to movies and dinner once in a while. Is that too picky?

Of course not! The next time a friend says you’re too picky, say this: “When you go shopping for a dress, do you try to find one that fits you and is right for your lifestyle? Or will anything do?” That way, you and your friend can have a laugh over your dating adventures.