I won’t even bother with a some kind of clever-ass lead-in. Let’s get to the swami business:

AFC

Chiefs at Colts
Indy’s the slight favorite. The Colts play well at home, and the Chiefs have lost five of seven. But Andrew Luck & Co. have struggled since Reggie Wayne went down—which totally screwed my fantasy team over. Thanks for that. Kansas City 23, Indianapolis 16

Chargers at Bengals

Bengals don’t lose at home. Sorry, Ah-nuld. Cincinnati 37, San Diego 24

Chiefs at Broncos

Week 11 redux. Peyton sends losers home with Papa John’s as consolation; what a nice guy. Denver 45, Kansas City 17

Bengals at Patriots

Week 5 redux. Brady can’t get his young offense going. Cincinnati 27, Patriots 16

AFC Championship: Bengals at Broncos

Upset of a lifetime, the ginger takes the cats back to the big game in an epic shootout. Cincinnati 48, Denver 43

NFC

Saints at Eagles

Yeah, everyone wants to see Drew Brees hoit up his little headphone-toting tot and revel in the big game glory. But this shootout will be foiled by Foles. Philadelphia 42, New Orleans 32

49ers at Packers

If I pick the Pack to win, SN&R will lose very Niner fan reader. Hmm. San Francisco 16, Green Bay 3

Eagles at Panthers

Foles blows out the ill-equipped cats. Philadelphia 38, Carolina 10

49ers at Seahawks

Sorry, Niner fans. You’ve been dreading this postseason matchup ever since the team’s week two choke job. And so, your destiny was decided then. There’s always next year … oh, wait, next year is for the Raaaiiidddeeerrrrssss! Seattle 20, San Francisco 16

NFC Champtionship: Eagles at Seahawks

McCoy and Foles steamroll Pete Carroll’s crap game plan. Philadelphia 27, Seattle 10

Super Bowl 48

Bengals vs. Eagles

How’d this happen? Sadly, it’s gonna be a tundra-rumbler in New Jersey (why can’t all big games be played in SoCal of Florida?). But that wont’ stop these two underdog offenses from racking up a few points. Philadelphia 24, Cincinnati 20