I told my boyfriend that his habit of using Internet porn makes
me feel insecure and not good enough. Porn is a fantasy world where
women look flawless, don’t need foreplay to be ready for
intercourse and act as though getting pounded on by some stranger is
gratification enough. It in no way replicates how I look or act
sexually. Porn also reproduces the same objectifying myths about women,
sexuality, masculinity and intimacy that drive us to not be fully
present or content in our real-life relationships. But telling him he
can’t look at something gives me a false sense of control. He
says he doesn’t want to trigger fear or insecurity in me. He
acknowledges that men often become addicted, distracted and complacent
in their real relationships because porn offers quick gratification
without the work of getting a partner ready or making sure she is
satisfied. But he still uses porn to relieve stress when I’m not
around. When I find it, I feel deficient, hurt and betrayed. Got any
ideas?

Yes, you’re facing a deal breaker. But before I explain why,
let’s talk about your insecurity. It’s true that
pornography creates unrealistic ideas about sex. So why are you buying
into it? What do you gain by comparing yourself to a woman who has
regressed so far down the evolutionary ladder that she has adopted the
mindless, soulless behavior of a mammal in estrus? The sexuality of a
woman in a porn video is not integrated, and that’s why she can
never be a spiritual, soulful, sexy, sensual or intimate presence. We
call women in porn “actresses,” not because they possess
talent, but because their behavior is intended to deceive and impress.
And that’s why porn is a billion-dollar industry—most
people prefer deceit or fantasy to reality. If you are authentic,
aware, truthful, trustworthy, committed, loving and sensual, but your
man would rather be with a woman whose job is to deceive him, well,
what do you want to do?

Here’s the core problem: the meaning of sex. For some people,
sex is stress reduction. As anxiety rises in their life, they
masturbate, trying to rid themselves of nervous tension. A person in
this situation fights for the right to use porn because their anxiety
frightens them. They opt for self-pleasuring as a temporary fix, rather
than dealing with the stressor thought or situation that produces
anxiety. It works, but as stress increases, he (or she) masturbates
more often and needs more porn to experience orgasm. Of course, some
men and women don’t masturbate to shed stress; they have sex with
anonymous partners instead.

Sexual activity is also a spiritual act of union with one’s
partner. In a committed relationship, sex is an expression of
passionate surrender. The give-and-take rhythm of sex mimics the
natural course of a long-term relationship: Sometimes one partner is
giving more than the other, at times both are giving and receiving. In
ancient times, sex was called knowledge because it deepens emotional,
spiritual and mental intimacy.

Porn is not about intimacy (into-me-see), a connection that invites
you deeply into another person’s thoughts and feelings and vice
versa. So, you’re right, telling your boyfriend that he
can’t look at porn would give you a false sense of control. Of
course, if he had self-control, he would have searched for a way to
reduce his life stressors so he didn’t need porn. He would have
done this after you explained how porn makes you feel. He would have
taken these steps because he cares about you, wants you to feel secure
and because he cares about himself and seeks to evolve as a man. But he
didn’t. And that’s a deal breaker.