My boyfriend broke up with me and I still can’t believe it. I thought we had the perfect relationship and in our social circle (we’re gay) everyone said we were the perfect couple. We’ve been together for seventeen months and talked about moving in together. Last month, he said that he wanted space because he needed time to get to figure out who he is and what he really wants. At first he would talk to me daily, even though he refused to get together. But now he won’t return my calls or e-mails. I’m a mess and can hardly get to work most days. I don’t know what I did wrong. What should I do?
Be grateful for the blessing of perfect timing. Your boyfriend announced his intentions before you uprooted your life and furniture to merge with his. It’s comforting to be at home in familiar surroundings while dealing with the grief of unanswered questions. Now, rather than focusing on whether you did something wrong, open up to the possibility that everything is unfolding exactly as it should. For example: all your prayers of finding the right person were answered; he’s not the one.
Don’t fear that you will never meet anyone else like your ex. Be grateful that you won’t. He was unable to communicate his true feelings to you when they arose. He only considered himself and not you or your feelings. That is not a healthy foundation for a committed relationship. So, grieve the loss of your expectations, then resolve to love differently in 2008.
Another New Year’s Eve is coming up and I’m still single. Everyone will be out partying and I will be home alone watching TV. It’s so frustrating when all I really want is a partner. I’ve done everything that I should do to meet someone but nothing works.
Would you date yourself? If so, start. Take yourself out on the town, invite yourself in for appetizers and tea, book the best holidays and fly solo. All the while, please question your strange beliefs. Who says you must be partnered to be happy? Who says you should be out on the town busting a move on the eve of ’08? I live my life exactly as I please, working hard to free myself of cultural expectations about age, relationships, marriage, children, work, spirituality, gender, etc. If the culture’s bindings bring you down, set yourself free. Just be certain to do no harm and to do a lot of good.
My girlfriend told me that she cheated on her last three boyfriends whenever she felt they were mean to her or if they got into an argument. Now, I’m walking on eggshells. I’m freaked out that if I piss her off, she will cheat. We’ve been together for three months. What should I do?
Realize that you’re dating a time bomb. Your girlfriend has not learned how to handle her anger like an adult. She cheats to punish her man of the moment, instead of maturely talking through problems and negotiating solutions. Blinded by an intense passion for revenge, there’s a lot she can’t see. For one, the more frequently she etches a passive-aggressive pattern into her brain, the harder it is to erase the program. Cheating becomes her automatic response to problems and—in her value system—a justified act. Knowing all of this, if you still choose to forge ahead, you must attend counseling together. If either of you is unwilling, love yourself enough to end the relationship now.