I’ve been in a stable, secure relationship for seven years, but during that time I have had four crushes on different people (no action taken). I know that I have a real good thing going on in the long-term department and I don’t want to toss it out in favor of chasing rainbows. My problem is that these crushes make me feel dissatisfied. I’m not sure that my partner and I are soul mates. Mostly, I feel stagnant and bored. Am I dissatisfied with myself? Are humans non-monogamous by nature? Do I just lack the courage to leave or make it better? Am I an infatuation junkie? Do soul mates really exist? Please help me get to the root of my attraction to other people.

You’re attracted to other people because it results in feeling dissatisfied. Dissatisfaction occupies your mind with countless distracting questions of self-doubt. But your real intention is either to reveal a life-altering direction or to illuminate your chosen path of partnership, so you can relax into the belief that you’ve selected well.

Struggle is not a prerequisite for change. Simply examine areas of your life (work, family of origin, creativity, etc.) quarterly or at the new moon and institute alterations. But first, check-in with your sense of worthiness. Do you believe it’s possible to have a relationship without continual high-pitched emotional turmoil? When turmoil isn’t present externally, do you create it internally? Under such circumstances, an easy relationship may seem suspect. If you are a conflict junkie (and indecisiveness is conflict), it would be boring.

Monogamy simply means that you are capable of commitment. Any conscious human can commit, but many of us are unskilled in true self-reflection (which produces realization, not self-doubt), conflict resolution and healthy closure. Thus occurs the drama of affairs. But once you understand that your soul’s mate is your own ego, everything changes.

I read your column on herpes with interest. I have had genital and oral herpes for almost 25 years and have never been accused of giving it to any partner, until now. My choice of protection has always been to prohibit kissing or intercourse during outbreaks. But I haven’t had an outbreak in a couple of months, so I am confused as to how my partner caught it from me. Is it possible for a woman to have herpes sores inside of her vagina and not know? How long after the initial exposure will the first sore appear?

Yes, you can spread the virus without knowing that you have an outbreak. “The only way to be truly safe is to use a condom all the time,” says Ron Cotterel, M.D., medical director for the Sutter Center for Integrative Health and Healing in Davis. “Symptoms are not reliable. Not everyone develops a lesion. The initial outbreak can be so minor that the person may not know that they have it.” The virus can be dormant for months or years before an obvious outbreak occurs.

I really enjoyed your answer to the man with herpes who had difficulty finding a date. He might also be interested in accessing our club for people with herpes. About 30 of us gather twice a month. Our Web site is: http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/ sacramentoherpessingles.

Thanks!