After 10 years of being used sexually by men, I turned over a new leaf. I am now celibate. I figured that abstinence (until I found my future husband) would help me discern who was good for me. Instead, men reject me immediately because I’m celibate. Before, when I would give up my body, I had flocks of men after me. Not anymore. Recently, I befriended an older man and, unexpectedly, I began falling for him. One night he asked me to sleep with him and I agreed, providing it was sex-free. As soon as we lay down, he was all over me. As I rose to leave he told me to call later. I did, but he never called back. I thought that men love women who respected themselves and who aren’t slutty. Being rejected again hurts and at this rate I’ll die single. I’m not sure about waiting for my knight in shining armor. Should I go back to how I was before? At least I had dates.
If dating is your only goal, then revert to the behavior that you label “slutty.” But from here forward, tell the truth about yourself. Men didn’t use you sexually in the past. You used sex to try to capture a boyfriend. Did you experiment with that behavior for as long as you attempted abstinence? If not, perhaps you need encouragement. My sisterfriend, Raye, is also abstaining until she finds her God-mate. I called her at home in Denver to get advice for you. “At first abstinence is awkward,” she admitted, “but as self-confidence and self-assurance is developed in your decision to abstain, you’ll see that it is OK for men to reject you for that reason because your main purpose is for people to accept you for being you. Trust that the call you heard to celibacy is the right one. Don’t forsake your vision. Maybe the man who is your spiritual partner is still being modeled and shaped.”
There are plenty of knights in shining armor, men and women who have polished their personas to an intoxicating sheen designed to help them (and you) remain unconscious about the obvious: they’re wearing armor! Why not wait for a knight in shining amour? He is the one who has tamed his inner dragons and shed his armor. He radiates his availability for genuine love and the truth, trust, commitment and intimacy that are its components.
One last thing: I see your experience with this older man as an opportunity to clean out your fear of abandonment and rejection (i.e. your armor), not as a sign to abandon and reject the person you have chosen to become.
My boss is so rude he’s emotionally abusive. He barks orders to employees like a Nazi commander on speed. I’ve even seen people cry and become depressed. His behavior is wrong and I want to tell him, but this job is crucial to my career. I don’t want to get fired, but I will if I challenge him. Help!
Have you ever behaved like a Nazi on meth? In a romantic relationship? Behind the wheel when you’re running late? With your parents? Find the occasion in which you engaged in similar behavior, then forgive yourself and apologize to those you’ve wronged (in prayer or in person). If you were healed, you would not feel a charge about addressing his behavior. You would instead be free to talk to him with effortless clarity and compassion. Instead, you’re a slave to your career plan, putting it above people in the same way that your boss puts work above people. Is a job really more important than your integrity?
